53 pages • 1 hour read
Aminatou Sow, Ann FriedmanBig Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close
Nonfiction | Autobiography / Memoir | Adult | Published in 2020A modern alternative to SparkNotes and CliffsNotes, SuperSummary offers high-quality Study Guides with detailed chapter summaries and analysis of major themes, characters, and more.
Themes
The Power and Complexity of Friendship
Sow and Friedman’s narrative explores the joys and challenges of Big Friendships, illustrating that while they are a source of great strength and empowerment, they are also fraught with complexities and hurdles that test their resilience.
Sow and Friedman celebrate the joy and empowerment that deep friendships foster. They liken their initial spark to “falling in love” (18). They describe the early, heady days of their relationship as an exhilarating meeting of minds. Their compatible personalities quickly meshed as they fostered a relationship of mutual support and camaraderie. Moreover, Sow and Friedman explain how their friendship gave rise to the concept of Shine Theory, which posits that the success of one friend can serve as a beacon of potential for the other, emphasizing the empowerment inherent in uplifting one’s friends. In the later chapters of the book, the authors also delve into the ways friendships can serve as support systems to help weather the hardships of life such as health and career challenges. These elements collectively underscore the book’s celebration of the enriching power of friendships.
However, Big Friendship does not gloss over the trials that such relationships inevitably face. The authors introduce the metaphors of “stretching” and “straining” to articulate the ongoing effort required to maintain these bonds and the tensions that can emerge. They illustrate this duality by recounting a period marked by miscommunication and emotional distance, shedding light on the reality that even the strongest friendships can falter. Sow and Friedman’s decision to undergo therapy together is perhaps the most significant testament to the complex nature of Big Friendships. This step not only underscores the work and dedication necessary to salvage and fortify a friendship but also highlights the depth and intricacy of such relationships.
Throughout the book, Sow and Friedman navigate the exhilarating highs and challenging lows inherent in close friendships. Their honest examination of these dynamics serves to affirm the indispensable role of friendships in one’s life, while also acknowledging the nuanced effort required to sustain them. The conclusion that friendships, much like any significant relationship, necessitate ongoing effort, communication, and a willingness to confront and resolve issues, cements the argument that these relationships are both a profound source of joy and support, as well as inherently complex and challenging. Big Friendship thus offers a nuanced understanding of the power and complexity of friendship. By intertwining their personal narrative with broader reflections on the nature of these relationships, Sow and Friedman provide a compelling look at the dynamics of Big Friendships.
The Power Dynamics of Interracial Friendships
Through their personal narrative, Sow and Friedman illustrate the complexities of navigating a relationship that spans a large gap in power and privilege, showcasing the effort and understanding required to maintain such a bond. Their friendship acts as a lens to discuss the challenges of maintaining and repairing an interracial relationship between a white and nonwhite friend.
It is only later in their friendship that Sow and Friedman acknowledge the stark differences in their upbringings, identities, and cultural contexts. In the early days of their friendship, Sow and Friedman learned all about each other’s childhoods, but they focused on the things they had in common, crafting a narrative of their friendship that emphasized their similarities. Later in their friendship, the authors confronted the first “trapdoor” moment of their relationship, as Sow attended a party in Friedman’s backyard and was shocked to see that she was the only Black person in attendance. Sow and Friedman write that they now recognize that they have vastly different experiences of the world even though they share many things in common.
At the core of the book’s portrayal of the authors’ friendship is the understanding and acknowledgment of the diverse backgrounds and identities each friend contributes to the relationship. The contrast between Sow’s African upbringing and Friedman’s American Midwest background not only highlights their initial diversity but also sets the stage for deeper explorations of intersectionality within their friendship. Sow and Friedman describe how friendships between a white and nonwhite friend will often cause the nonwhite friend to “stretch” unequally: “Here’s a harsh reality of friendship that crosses big divides in privilege and identity: stretching to account for these differences usually doesn’t go both ways in equal measure” (130). They say that in their interracial relationship, even though they share similar values, Friedman will never be able to fully understand Sow’s experience in the world. Sow shares that she constantly navigates the decision of whether to explain her experience and point of view or whether to hold back to not upset Friedman.
In Chapter 7, Sow and Friedman address the ways race has affected their friendship. They acknowledge that being in an interracial friendship between a white and nonwhite friend is not easy, and that “trapdoor” moments are inevitable. However, the authors argue that confronting these challenges rather than avoiding them is key to maintaining the friendship: “For both of us talking about race has been the only way to process its effect on our relationship and to make sense of the fact that racism is both personal and not personal at the same time” (136). While it may not be easy or comfortable to do so, Sow and Friedman see this as a way to maintain a relationship that is deeply important to both of them. No amount of love or closeness, they argue, can remove the inequalities inherent in an interracial relationship, which means that the only way to prevent those issues from destroying the relationship is to confront them. Their commitment to tackling these issues head-on reveals the depth of their bond and the resilience of their friendship, even against the backdrop of a society that often overlooks the nuanced challenges of interracial relationships and avoids talking about race.
Big Friendship provides a model for the necessary but uncomfortable conversations about race that interracial friendships require. Through their exploration of interracial friendship in Big Friendship, Sow and Friedman not only navigate the specific challenges and rewards of their own relationship but also argue that deep and lasting friendships demand an active effort to understand and navigate differences in race, privilege, and power.
The Intentional Work of Maintaining a Friendship
The core metaphor Sow and Friedman use to describe the kind of intentional work they see as central to maintaining a friendship is “stretching”: “Stretching keeps your muscles strong and healthy […] Stretching immediately before any physical activity won’t magically give you perfect flexibility. You’ll need to do it over time and remain committed to the process” (90). The analogy to stretching as a part of physical exercise underscores the necessity of ongoing, intentional care in relationships. Like bodies, relationships require commitment and regular effort to maintain health and resilience. On the other hand, the authors also acknowledge that too much stretching can lead to “strain,” pointing to the need for balance and reciprocity in the effort friends put into each other. Big Friendship offers examples of healthy stretching and harmful strain in friendships, as well as ways to recover the health of a friendship through conscious, thoughtful care.
In the first part of the book, Sow and Friedman focus on the joyful work of building up a strong friendship. At the heart of their Big Friendship is the practice of mutual support and empowerment that they create to ensure each other’s success and celebrate achievements as collective victories. They call this practice Shine Theory, the belief that “if I shine, you shine.” Shine Theory exemplifies the transformative power they believe friendship can have when it is focused on working towards the collective good of everyone in the relationship. Furthermore, they highlight the importance of creating friendship rituals to maintain connections over time. Celebrations of their friendship anniversary, regular check-ins, digital communication, friendship memes, and shared experiences like trips reinforce their bond, and they frame these activities as steps they deliberately took to tend to their friendship as their lives transformed. Sow and Friedman argue that friendships should be taken as seriously as romantic relationships, which routinely incorporate rituals to maintain the bond between partners such as anniversary celebrations or family vacations. Such rituals lay the groundwork to adapt to modern challenges to friendship like distance or illness.
Such challenges call upon the friendship to “stretch.” When one friend is going through a difficult time, such as when Sow is diagnosed with iron-deficient anemia, the other friend will need to “stretch”: be willing temporarily to expend more effort than the other friend to support both their friend and the relationship through difficult times. However, that “stretching” can become “straining” when the imbalance or tensions in the friendship become too great, or when tensions in the friendship go too long without being addressed. The most powerful example of the intentional work of maintaining a Big Friendship in the book is Sow and Friedman’s decision to engage in couples therapy when the fractures in their relationship threatened to undo it altogether. Their joint decision to seek therapy underscores their commitment to the friendship and willingness to invest in its longevity. They demonstrate that sustaining a deep relationship demands more than passive affection; it requires active engagement and solutions-oriented approaches. Sow and Friedman point out that it is socially commonplace to turn to therapy or conflict resolution to resolve problems in romantic and professional relationships. Pushing back against the cultural devaluation of friendship, they argue that Big Friendships are as complex and important as any other form of relationship, and therefore deserve similar levels of care and investment.
The Intentional Work of Maintaining a Friendship is also tied closely to the theme of The Power Dynamics of Interracial Friendships, as some of the tensions that Sow and Friedman must intentionally work through arise from the fact that Sow is Black and Friedman is white. Their willingness to engage in candid discussions about race, identity, and societal issues underscores the importance of vulnerability and honesty in strengthening their bond. That vulnerability and honesty does not come easily, however; it requires deliberate, often uncomfortable effort. As they work through their conflicts, Sow and Friedman demonstrate that recognizing and valuing each other’s unique backgrounds is essential work for a fulfilling friendship, laying the groundwork for navigating inevitable challenges together.
Through Big Friendship, Sow and Friedman argue that friendship, akin to any valuable relationship, requires deliberate effort, communication, and adaptability. Their journey illuminates that while friendships can offer profound joy and support, they also demand work—work that is necessary and worthwhile.
