Challenger Deep

“You're supposed to put your coin in the slot and let it go. It spins round and round the big yellow funnel for like a minute, making a rhythmic whirring sound that gets tighter and tighter, more intense, more desperate as it spirals closer to the hole. It keeps spinning faster—all that kinetic energy forced down the neck of the funnel until it's blaring like an alarm—then it falls silent as it drops into the black abyss of the funnel. I'm that coin on its way down, screaming in the neck of the funnel, with nothing but my own kinetic energy and centrifugal force keeping me from dropping into darkness.” 

Caden starts the novel feeling that he has no control, a victim of forces that he cannot influence. He also believes that his path will have a negative outcome, leading to inevitable darkness. 

“‘To name her is to sink her,’ he told me. ‘That which we name takes greater weight than the sea it displaces. Ask any shipwreck.’” 

The Captain does not give the ship a name because he does not want to attach harmful labels to her. Later, this theme recurs in the discussion of Caden’s diagnosis, and whether he wants to know what it is. Once a condition has a label, it comes with a set of assumptions and preset symptoms. Accepting a label also gives people the power to fight against something specific, rather than simply struggling to feel better, or more normal. 

“Nothing awful is without its beautiful side.”

The Captain tells Caden that he enjoys the scent of brine, even though it is the scent of decay and putrefaction. This statement seems sinister in the beginning of the novel, as does the Captain’s character. As Caden’s story progresses, he comes to see the Captain’s remark as an encouragement to look for the good in any situation. 

“Everyone needs someone to blame.” 

Caden’s parents argue about gambling after losing too much money in Las Vegas. Caden believes that the drive to blame other people for anything makes life easier. No one has to take responsibility or change their behavior if it is always someone else’s fault. 

“The pain of knowing is killing me more than killing me would kill me, so I jump just to end it.”

Caden believes that the people in the Las Vegas restaurant know that the ride workers are sabotaging his cable. They know he will die, and they know that he knows. The pain Caden experiences from feeling targeted by strangers feels more intense than his fear of death.

“I marveled that people could live so close—that you could literally be surrounded by thousands who were only inches away—and yet be completely isolated. I found it hard to imagine. It's not so hard for me to imagine anymore.” 

Caden remembers a family trip to New York and the sight of so many people ignoring each other. Now, he can relate to how they feel. Surrounded by people who claim to love him and have his best interests at heart, he feels detached from them, and as if they cannot understand him, even though they share the same space with him. 

“There’s this thing in my head that I have to purge onto the page before it changes the shape of my brain.”

Caden’s drawings begin to gain intensity and become more abstract. He knows that he is driven to express something, but he does not know what it is. His frantic energy concerns his mother, his teachers, and his friends. His drawings exhibit the most concrete sign that he is delusional.

“Forget solar energy—if you could harness denial, it would power the world for generations.”

Caden’s father cannot hide his excitement over Caden joining the track team. He has been looking for something that will change Caden’s trajectory and hopes for a simple answer, despite all evidence. Caden’s parents’ denial and Caden’s own denial about his condition recur throughout the book. 

“It's a curse to see all that might happen but never know what will.” 

Calliope tells Caden that she sees all of the future potentials, for herself and others, simultaneously, but she has no way of knowing which one will be real. She does not believe that the world exists outside the window if she is not looking at it. She does not know which outcome she should pursue. Her only certainty is staying at the window and continuing to ensure that the world exists. 

“We always look for the signs we missed when something goes wrong. We become like detectives trying to solve a murder, because maybe if we uncover the clues, it gives us some control. Sure, we can’t change what happened, but if we can string together enough clues, we can prove that whatever nightmare has befallen us, we could have stopped it, if only we had been smart enough. I suppose it’s better to believe in our own stupidity than it is to believe that all the clues in the world wouldn’t have changed a thing.”

Caden interprets most things he sees as clues to a greater mystery. No one else sees the clues, and other people tell him that things are going wrong, which frustrates him. As the book progresses, Caden has to admit that he has no evidence that things were ever right in his head, and that what he considered clues to his role in the universe were actually proof of his mental instability. When he admits that nothing he could have done, short of seeking help, would have changed his outcome, he feels liberated. He knows that his condition is not a mere failure of his intellect or willingness to work.

“What we perceive as art, the universe perceives as directions.” 

Hal tells Caden that his artwork is a map. He sees lines that lead to destinations and outcomes. He says the same thing about the maps he makes, which are filled with (to Caden) nonsensical, scribbled lines. Like Caden, Hal sees his work as proof of his specialness. Hal never progresses out of his delusions, however, and when he stops taking his medications later in the book, the directions of his maps lead him to kill himself. Caden is saved because he realizes that his art, while expressive, is not a literal set of instructions.

“The scariest thing of all is never knowing what you're suddenly going to believe.” 

A large part of Caden’s agony comes from the fact that his actions occur almost simultaneously with a delusion he perceives as real. He finds himself in motion, acting upon a thought, in the same moment that he has the thought. This connection has potentially harmful consequences because he knows he may act on delusional thoughts with the same conviction as he acts on real stimuli in the world. 

“The only thing you have for measuring what's real is your mind…so what happens when your mind becomes a pathological liar?” 

Caden describes the voices he hears and the delusions he sees, comparing himself to Don Quixote, who believed that he was fighting giants instead of windmills. Caden is self-aware enough to know that his brain is an inadequate tool for observational purposes, but he also knows that this fallible tool is the only one he has. He does not know how to behave or what to try because he does not trust his own mind. 

“Dead kids are put on pedestals, but mentally ill kids get hidden under the rug.” 

Initially, Caden sees the hospital as a place where mentally ill children can be hidden away. When a kid dies or falls down a well, there is news coverage about the grief and possibly the rescue. When a kid is mentally ill, there is no real news unless he or she has committed a crime or done something outrageous. The news does not cover situations that no one knows how to fix.

“The fear of not living is a deep, abiding dread of watching your own potential decompose into irredeemable disappointment when ‘should be’ gets crushed by what is.” 

Once Caden begins to feel hopeful about his future, the reality of his illness torments him in a new way. He wants to reach his potential, but knows that he may not be able to overcome his obstacles. In some ways, he had more comfort when he was at his most hopeless. He was not disappointed by the thought of not achieving a rewarding future because he could not even contemplate a future for himself.

“They all think medicine should be magic, and they become mad at me when it's not.”

Callie explains to Caden that it would be easier for her if she never left the hospital. Once she goes home, her problems will follow her, but because she will have pills and, ostensibly, therapeutic tools to cope with her condition, her parents and siblings will expect her to act rationally. As Caden watches his parents’ burgeoning helplessness, he sees that they, too, may have unrealistically high expectations for what the hospital and the medications may offer. 

“I don’t think God gave us this anymore than he gives little kids cancer or makes poor people lottery winners […] If anything, he gives us courage to deal.” 

Caden tells the therapy group that he does think they should see themselves as victims. He does not believe that God is punishing them. Viewing his illness as a test—one he has been given the courage to face—is more liberating to Caden than the idea that God gave him a mental illness for no reason. 

“When the truth hurts we always hate the messenger.” 

Carlyle is proud of Caden for helping Alexa see that she continues to identify as a victim. She only feels hurt because Caden told her the truth. Many of the people Caden temporarily hates in the story are also people who try to tell him the truth. His parents, Dr. Poirot, the Captain, and the Parrot are all trying to explain their versions of the truth to him. Because their versions of the truth do not align with his, Caden hates them for conspiring against him.

“They want to do something—anything—to help me. Anything to change my situation. But they are as powerless as I am. The two of them are in a lifeboat, together, but so alone. The boat leaks, and they must bail in tandem to keep themselves afloat. It must be exhausting. The terrible truth of their helplessness is almost too much to bear. I wish I would take them on board, but even if they could reach us, the Captain would never allow it. Right now it sucks to be me—but until now, it never occurred to me that it also sucks to be them.” 

Caden realizes how badly his parents want to help him and how powerless they are to do so. Hospitalizing him and then visiting him were the best options they could find, given the erratic nature of Caden’s deterioration. Caden’s ability to focus on someone else’s feelings and to understand that he is not the only one affected by his condition are a positive step in his recovery.

“There are books I will never finish reading, games I will never finish playing, movies that I’ve started and will never see the end of. Ever. Sometimes there are moments when we objectively face the never, and it overwhelms us.” 

Caden begins to realize that he may have to adjust his expectations of what he wants for his future. He has to choose where and how he will allot his time and effort. Although the thought initially discourages him, he knows he has a choice.

“Epiphanies are never convenient, and often arrive too late.”

At the bottom of the trench, the Parrot tells Caden that there are no miracles; there are only realizations that often do not occur in time to be acted upon. Self-awareness is a type of epiphany, and in cases like Hal’s, it doesn’t arrive in time. In Caden’s case, self-knowledge reveals his delusions but also gives him a chance to help himself.

“I think it’s outrageously cruel to keep a puzzle that they know is missing a single piece.” 

Many patients in the hospital express feelings of incompleteness. Because they have so little mental stability, they struggle to find closure for their problems. Caden sees the puzzle with the missing piece as a physical reminder that they are incomplete and that some problems have no solutions.

“We are, however, creatures of containment. We want all things in life packed into boxes that we can label. But just because we have the ability to label it, doesn't mean we really know what's in the box. It's kind of like religion. It gives us comfort to believe we have defined something that is, by its very nature, indefinable. As to whether or not we've gotten it right, well, it's all a matter of faith.”

Caden compares the labels of various conditions; each comes with given symptoms and ostensible treatments. Because no two cases are the same, however, he finds that most prognoses are meaningless. Diagnostic medicine seeks to define illnesses in concrete ways, so it can treat them with concrete responses. Caden believes that religion acts similarly: It offers a specific sort of comfort, but one must have faith in order to benefit.