Everything I Know About Love

A main theme of Alderton’s memoir is her struggle with her notions of femininity and womanhood and how she can embody those ideals in a way that validates her in the eyes of men and society. Her concept of womanhood comes from society’s pervasive messages, which are reinforced through advertising and social media and reflect Western culture’s patriarchal worldview. The qualities Alderton associates with her ideals of femininity and womanhood are adulthood as opposed to immaturity, seriousness as opposed to frivolity, thinness as opposed to size-inclusiveness, and being in a relationship with a man as opposed to singlehood. The idea of seriousness and others’ ability to take her seriously indicates that she seeks external validation; being dismissed or seen as insignificant or unattractive are all ways that would indicate that others do not take her seriously. There is a competitiveness inherent in her desire to rise above the pack and increase her cultural capital by being held in high esteem by others. Her occupation as a commentator on popular culture makes it even more important for her to be seen as embodying the standards that society sets for women. It is not enough to be intelligent, observant, funny, compassionate, and talented—she must also look the part.

From the first chapters of Alderton’s memoir, she makes clear to the reader that from an early age, she wanted to be taken seriously as an adult and as a woman. She loathes being a teenager to the point that in some ways she grows up too fast (e.g., alcohol and drug use), and her fantasy of being a single adult in London, wearing black dresses and sipping martinis, indicates that she has a clear vision of what being a “serious” woman looks like. As the memoir covers her university years, Alderton’s first break-up with a “serious” boyfriend weakens her sense of autonomy because she concludes that she does not conform to the ideal of womanhood. She loses a lot of weight in a short period of time and associates her new, thinner body with her vision of a “serious” woman: “I stood in front of the mirror naked and saw, for the first time in my life, the very beginnings of what I had been led to believe were the true qualifications of femininity. A smaller waist, hip bones, collarbones, and shoulder blades” (67).

It is worrisome, yet not totally surprising, that nobody seems to see even the most overt signs of Alderton’s condition (except for Alex, Harry’s sister). In fact, “at every turn, society was rewarding [Alderton] for [her] self-inflicted torture,” as women compliment her, men proposition her, and every article of clothing she tries on fits her perfectly (72). Despite the noticeable declines in her physical health, Alderton sees her outward body adhering to society’s acceptable standards of what a woman should look like, and as she more visibly fits into that role, she feels “like [she] had finally earned the right to be taken seriously as a woman” (72).

After recovering from disordered eating, Alderton struggles to find a way to be “taken seriously” as an adult woman. Her academic and career paths complement her innate storytelling capabilities, but she is the only one of her friend group who still stays out late and parties. Even in adulthood, there is still an apparent binary of “serious” and “non-serious” woman, with the distinction here being work as serious versus partying as non-serious, and Alderton is made to choose which version of womanhood she desires most for herself. Ultimately, she chooses being the woman who works as having a strong professional life brings her closer to her youthful ideas of “serious” women. That said, in Chapter 39, she confronts her self-image and all the images of “serious” womanhood she carries with her. She realizes that instead of fitting herself into an ill-suited role to please other people, the woman she already is, is good enough, serious enough, beautiful enough, womanly enough. She lets go of the serious-nonserious binary way of thinking, and instead embraces her place on the wider spectrum of femininity in which womanhood is one aspect of humanity rather than its defining feature.