Everything We Never Said

Ella is lifeguarding at the YMCA with Seema. Sean is there, working on the building’s electrical system, and Seema can tell that he makes Ella uncomfortable. However, Seema has a big test tomorrow, so once the pool closes, Ella sends her home to study. Ella reflects on Hayley’s diary entry, realizing that she never knew how intense Hayley and Sawyer’s relationship was. Sawyer was always protective of Hayley, even more than usual, during the last few months of Hayley’s life. Hayley always had what she called “Ditches of Despair,” brief but intense bursts of sadness that lasted a day or two. However, her moodiness and withdrawal before the end felt different. She fought a lot with Phoebe, Sean was always lurking around, and Hayley was often in tears. Sawyer understood what it was like to come from a “broken home.” Now, Ella wants to preserve their love, so she vows again not to speak to Sawyer. She’s alone in the locker room when the lights go out. She hears footsteps, a voice tells her not to move, and then someone grabs her shoulders. There’s a crash, she screams, and her sense of dread grows when she sees Sean.

Sean points out the bundle of live wires on the floor. She realizes that he saved her life, but she still feels like she’s in danger. His eyes linger on her body—still in her swimsuit—and she races to the bus stop. Waiting there, she worries that Sean’s van will pull up. When headlights appear, she suddenly recalls the accident: how she turned the steering wheel to the left, following the road, but the car went right, and then glass exploded everywhere. Sawyer’s voice recalls her to the present. Ella starts to refuse his offer of a ride until she sees Sean’s van. Fearful of Sean, Ella gets into the car, but when Sawyer leans over to help with her seatbelt, she questions whether the danger is outside the car or inside.

Sawyer realizes that Ella is scared, and she tells him that Sean was at the YMCA. Sawyer hates Sean and thinks that Hayley protected Ella from the truth about him to Ella’s detriment. He needs her to understand that her fears about Sean are warranted. He tells Ella that Hayley once begged Phoebe to break up with him because Sean stared at her all the time, making a point to be in the hallway whenever she got out of the shower so that he would see her wearing only a towel. She told Phoebe all this, but Phoebe did nothing. When Ella wonders aloud what else Hayley didn’t tell her, Sawyer feels guilty. When Ella says that she feels like there’s more to remember about the accident, Sawyer’s heart races, and he encourages her to give her brain a break. He thinks that she would hate him if she knew what he was hiding. They pull up at Ella’s house, and they are about to kiss when Jess knocks on the window and tells Ella to come inside. Sawyer realizes that he can’t stay away from her.

That night, Ella and Sawyer start texting. Ella’s so distracted the next day that she has to apologize to Seema. Guilt tells her to slow things down, but she can’t bring herself to stop. When she thinks again about Hayley’s final few months, she remembers how erratic Hayley was and how she wanted to hang out without Sawyer more. Suddenly, Ella remembers Hayley saying that she needed to break up with Sawyer. She wonders if Hayley was falling out of love with him and if that caused her moodiness. Ella hadn’t planned to read more of Hayley’s diary, but she yearns to know what Hayley was thinking. Between classes, Mr. Wilkens asks Ella for a few minutes, and he claims that he has some idea what she’s feeling. When his girlfriend died in college, time was the only thing that helped him feel better. He says that he had to let himself “feel the feelings” (103). When they emerge from his office, Scott is there. He teases Ella meanly, and her eyes fill with tears. Mr. Wilkens tells her not to listen to him, but she sees Sawyer across the hall with a look of “fury” on his face.

Sawyer has stopped responding to Ella’s texts, and she cannot figure out why he’s mad at her. She can’t believe that Sawyer could like her enough to be jealous of Scott. Later, she confronts him at his locker, though he avoids eye contact and is distracted by his phone. When she calls him out, he pulls her into an empty classroom, and they fight. She tells him to get out of her life. He goes to leave, and she turns from the door, trying to hold in her tears until he’s gone. She hears it close and sobs, but then she feels his hand on her shoulder, turning her around. He kisses her deeply. Although they each say aloud that they shouldn’t do this, they keep doing it.

Sawyer feels guilty about the kiss. He never expected Ella to respond as she did. They flirt during gym class, and Ella waits for him after school. As soon as they’re in his car, they’re on top of each other again. At one point, they see Sean in the parking lot, flirting with some junior girls. Ella asks Sawyer if they can get out of there, and she directs him to Hemlock Mountain. Once again, Sawyer imagines what Ella’s response would be “if she knew” and pushes away the guilt (118). When they finish the climb, they start kissing, and Sawyer cannot hide his erection. He feels like he’d do anything she wants and like she’s the only thing that matters.

Ella and Seema are closing the pool, and Ella confesses that she’s been hanging out with Sawyer. Seema wants details, chastising Ella for feeling guilty. Seema eventually confesses that Ella used to be her best friend before Hayley, and Ella apologizes for being a bad friend. Seema said that she always blamed Hayley for taking Ella away, and as a kid, she wished that Hayley would disappear. When Hayley died in the accident, Seema felt super guilty. Now, she tells Ella that Hayley would want her to be happy. That night, when Ella gets into bed, she hears a rustle from her closet. She sees a figure in the dark, imagines Sean coming at her, and starts to scream. The figure lunges to cover her mouth.

It’s Sawyer, who climbed the wooden trellis to her window and let himself in. They immediately begin making out. As he slips his fingers into her shorts, they hear footsteps in the hall. After the footsteps recede, he kisses her again leaves via the window. Ella wants talk to Hayley about this, so she reaches for the next best thing: Hayley’s diary.

Hayley writes about how challenging love can feel and how Ella doesn’t understand because her parents are still together. She recalls the first time “S” got jealous and how it thrilled her. Hayley was wearing a red dress, which prompted some soccer players to notice her, and she saw “S” glare at them. He pulled her into an empty classroom and told her never to wear the dress to school again. With his fingers moving inside her, he made her promise. Later, he tells her not to use the track when the boys’ soccer team is playing. Soon, she isn’t allowed to wear most of her dresses. He asks why she’s trying to attract other guys, but she swears that she isn’t. The look of pain in his eyes hurts her. When Phoebe goes away for a week, “S” stays at Hayley’s. He asks her for a date this weekend, but she has plans with Ella. He gets furious, demanding to know if he is the most important person in her life, smashing his cup against the wall. She promises to cancel with Ella, feeling ashamed and wondering where her courage has gone. She feels guilty for making “S” so upset. She remembers a time when she upset her dad and how Phoebe told him that Hayley was a “stupid kid.” Phoebe begged him to stay, but he left. Now, “S” apologizes, offering to leave. Hayley begs him to stay, and he does. Hayley is happy that he stays when she asks, believing that this is what love does.