Finding Me: A Memoir

Content Warning: This section mentions domestic and sexual abuse and racism.

One of the defining experiences of Viola’s life as detailed in the book is how she grew up poor; another is her lived experience of being a Black woman. As Viola goes on to describe how each of these aspects of her life shaped her in significant ways, one of the main themes of the book emerges: the relationship between race and adversity. From Viola’s retelling of her life, there is a distinct sense that the two are related—not because one causes the other, but because attitudes, beliefs, and systems exist within society that disadvantage some people at the very outset. Based on one’s racial identity, there may be a higher chance of experiencing certain kinds and degrees of adversity.

For instance, the book opens with Viola running, something she has had to do from a very young age because she is the target of racist insults and harassment from her third-grade classmates. This experience goes on to define her in significant ways even as an adult, greatly impacting her self-esteem and self-worth. Being Black and poor is something that Viola sees as a dual challenge she and her sisters must fight very hard to overcome; their attempts are inspired by her sister Dianne’s encouragement. Dianne pushes Viola to imagine a better future for herself and work to achieve it, and this idea takes a hold on Viola to the extent that she begins to view success and failure as a black-or-white choice. Her childhood and its adverse circumstances become the definition of failure for Viola; she becomes scared to make a single mistake along her journey, worried that it will drag her back down to those depths. The experience of growing up Black and poor leaves Viola terrified of continuing in that life, as well as bereft of the resources to understand that a single mistake will not actually erase all her progress. This mentality leads Viola to initially ignore her passion for acting and choose English electives in her first year of college, as she is worried that acting will not provide her with a stable job and income. The deep depression she falls into is lifted only when she eventually finds the courage to follow her heart and pursue theater.

The reader sees how the need to escape her family’s cycle of poverty greatly motivates much of what Viola does as she grows up; upon closer examination, it is also possible to understand how much of these circumstances are influenced by Viola’s racial background as well. Neither of Viola’s parents ever had the level of education that their children eventually received; in Mae’s case, her being Black is explicitly stated as the cause. Mae is relentlessly abused and beaten in school, until her parents eventually pull her out to stop the pain; additionally, the abuse is carried out by a Black teacher who looks down on Mae for being a darker-skinned Black girl. Racist ideals of beauty and value are so deeply ingrained in society that they have even been internalized by the Black community; Viola sees this play out in her own life later on, when she is denied access to certain kinds of roles as an actress because she is a darker-skinned Black woman.

Mae and Dan share a common experience of abuse and stunted educations. This affects their own futures and their family’s. Job opportunities are limited, and Dan’s work barely earns a living wage, to the point that they do not have enough resources to raise their two oldest children for many years. Poverty becomes inevitable; furthermore, the pain and frustration this brings, compounded by the history of abuse, contributes to a cycle of trauma continuing within their family. Mae ends up in an abusive marriage, and Dan perpetrates abuse upon his wife. Besides exposing their children to the trauma of witnessing their violent fights, Mae and Dan are often left without the resources to protect their children from other kinds of adversity, both inside and outside the home. Mae encourages Viola to defend herself from bullies because Mae does not have the time or bandwidth to protect her daughter herself. Similarly, the parents are unaware of the sexual abuse being carried out in their own home by their son against their daughters. However, Viola does not present Dan and Mae’s failure to protect their children as a personal failing but as a circumstantial one; in situations when they are aware of and able to respond to the harassment faced by their children, Mae and Dan are both fiercely protective. For instance, both of them stand up to the Bullfrogs without hesitation when the Thompson children abuse their own.

Education seems to be the Davis children’s way out of this cycle of adversity and trauma, but even this is fraught with challenges created by the same circumstances. Poverty leads to food insecurity, and the children are often hungry; this, coupled with their deplorable living conditions, often compromises their sleep. Being tired and hungry often places strain on the children when they are meant to be focusing on academics at school. Furthermore, there are instances when they are unable to attend at all, as the lack of electricity and running water prevents them from cleaning themselves enough to be presentable at school. On the occasions that they do attend without cleaning up, they are met with disgust, rather than sympathy or understanding, even on the part of their teachers. Rather the display concern and inquire about the girls’ home environment, the adults at school lecture them instead. The assumption that the Davis children’s presentation is a function of their ignorance rather than circumstance is yet another example of racial discrimination. It is the same reason why Deloris’s teacher unhesitatingly changes her grade from an A to an F on a science test based merely on the word of another student.

All these experiences highlight how truly remarkable the success that Viola and her sisters go on to achieve is. The challenges they must surmount are so much greater in intensity because race and poverty feed off each other. Viola describes the only time in her life that she feels like her challenges are small in comparison to someone else’s: when she encounters other students from disadvantaged backgrounds at the Upward Bound program. It is significant that none of these students are white; they are from a variety of other racial and ethnic backgrounds, highlighting how this places a person at a disadvantage from the outset. Through Viola’s exploration of the dual experiences of growing up Black and poor, it becomes apparent that there is a relationship between race and the experience of adversity in the United States.