How to Win Friends and Influence People

A powerful way to disarm an argumentative person is to say, “I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts” (118).

Upbraided as a young man for being an argumentative know-it-all, Ben Franklin trained himself never to dispute but to suggest tactfully alternative viewpoints. He found that his influence with others grew immensely.

An argumentative lumber wholesaler got a message from a recipient that an entire carload of white pine was unsatisfactory. Remembering the lessons learned from the author’s seminars, the wholesaler visited the site and noted that the inspector was someone inexperienced in the subtleties of white pine. Instead of defending each piece, as in the past, the wholesaler simply asked the inspector for his reasons for rejecting each item so he could better supply them next time. The inspector soon admitted he didn’t know white pine all that well, and finally he accepted the entire delivery.

The second principle of winning your viewpoint is: “Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, ‘You’re wrong’” (126).

The author used to walk his small dog in a forested city park without muzzle or leash. A mounted officer caught them, reprimanded Carnegie for breaking the rules and threatened him with a citation should he continue to break the law. The author obeyed at first, but after a while, he again let his pooch off the restraints, and, one day soon after, the dog bounded over a hill and right into the sights of the same patrolman. The author immediately confessed and apologized; this time, the officer merely suggested he let his dog run where he couldn’t be viewed.

If, when caught, a person admits it outright, the person in authority may exercise power by showing mercy. When an offender sides with the aggrieved, the aggrieved may side with the offender.

At the Battle of Gettysburg, General Lee famously took responsibility for the failure of Pickett’s Charge. Another wise man, author Elbert Hubbard, often answered critics by agreeing with many of their points, inviting them to lunch, and making friends of enemies.

The third principle of winning one’s way is: “If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically” (134). 

A kind word and an expression of friendship to someone in angry opposition constitutes “a drop of honey that catches his heart” (137). John D. Rockefeller Jr. owned a coal company that suffered a bitter and bloody strike over wages. Rockefeller visited the strikers and their families, listened to their complaints, and addressed their leaders in tones of friendship, mutual interest, and feeling honored to know them. The strike ended abruptly.

One of the author’s students no longer could afford the rent on his apartment. He wrote to the landlord, who was famously hard to bargain with, complimenting him on the fine housing and regretting that he could no longer afford it. The landlord visited him, said he usually heard nothing but complaints from his tenants, then reduced the man’s rent and offered to redecorate the place.

Aesop told the fable of the sun and the wind: The wind bet the sun that it was more powerful, and, to prove it, the wind blew fiercely on a man in a coat; the man wrapped his coat more tightly around him. Then the sun broke through the clouds, warmed the day, and the man removed his jacket. The sun said that “gentleness and friendliness were always stronger than fury and force” (142).

The fourth principle of winning the day is: “Begin in a friendly way” (143). 

In a discussion, if the other person says “no” at the outset, their pride will demand that they defend that position. The wise speaker begins with areas of agreement, getting several answers of “yes.” This creates a sense of momentum toward cooperation and problem solving.

A young man wanted to open a bank account but objected to all the personal information requested on the application form. The teller agreed that the information wasn’t required. He then asked if the young man would want the bank to notify next of kin in the event of his death, so they could retrieve the funds; he said yes. A couple of other, similar questions also got “yes” responses; before long, the young man had filled out the entire form. He also opened a trust account that named his mother as beneficiary.

The great philosopher Socrates taught in ancient Athens, not by arguing, but by employing his “Socratic method” of asking skillful questions. Each query would generate a “yes” and lead to another question that got a “yes,” until the student ended up accepting a conclusion that would otherwise have generated vigorous resistance.

The fifth principle of getting agreement is: “Get the other person saying ‘yes, yes’ immediately” (149). 

When someone disagrees with you or has a complaint, let them air their concerns fully, without interruption or rebuttal. They then will be more receptive to your ideas and may even take your side.

Barbara Wilson’s teenage daughter Laurie had become disobedient; lectures and scoldings made no difference. Exhausted, Barbara finally asked “Why?” and Laurie explained that she never felt listened to. Thereafter, Barbara let Laurie express all her concerns, Laurie became cooperative, and the relationship improved “immeasurably.”

A small brokerage firm interviewed an excellent candidate salesman, but first they warned him that he would be “self-employed” with no benefits. The manager listened silently as the prospect talked himself around these obstacles and into accepting the challenging position. Had the manager interrupted, the man might never have taken the job.

Even among friends, people can suffer rejection if they boast too much about their achievements. One of the author’s students, a placement counselor, wanted people at work to like her, so she bragged constantly about her achievements. This merely alienated her co-workers. She decided to listen more and boast less, and relations improved greatly.

Principle six of winning points with people is: “Let the other person do a great deal of the talking” (154). 

People are more influenced by thoughts they arrive at themselves than by concepts forced down their throats. They want to be consulted on their own wants and ideas.

Car dealer Adolph Seltz met with his disorganized and uninspired sales force and asked what qualities they wanted from him. They told him, and he said he’d give them those traits, but he asked what should he expect from them in return. Eagerly, they promised “loyalty, honesty, initiative, optimism, teamwork” (155), and long hours of devoted work. Sales shot up. Their new work ethic was their idea, not his.

A sales rep for a design firm was rejected by one buyer 150 times. Finally, he asked the buyer to make suggestions on how to improve the offered design sketches. The buyer did so, corrections were made, and thereafter the client bought many designs, all vetted by him before purchase.

Colonel Edward House, an adviser to US President Wilson, sometimes would drop an idea into a conversation with the president, and a few days later, the president would present the idea as his own. In this way, House influenced policy by letting the president think through the concepts until he internalized them.

The seventh principle of influence is: “Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers” (160). 

When we can see an issue through the other person’s eyes, we become much more understanding of why they believe as they do.

In Australia, a woman fell behind on her car payments and received a nasty letter from the account manager. She called him, apologized for her lateness, and said she must be one of the man’s worst scofflaws. The lending agent said she wasn’t but that many borrowers were rude to him and lied about payments. Much mollified, he said she could pay $20 by the end of the month and continue with payments as best she could.

The eighth principle of influence is: “Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view” (166). 

One way to take the wind out of an angry person’s sails is to say that you don’t blame them for feeling that way, and that you’d feel the same way if you were her or him.

The author, speaking on a radio program, discussed Louisa May Alcott, author of Little Women. She lived in Concord, Massachusetts, but the author inadvertently said, more than once, that she had lived in Concord, New Hampshire. Many irate complaint letters later, the author called one especially acrid writer and thanked her for taking the trouble to write and point out the error, and that he felt dreadful for the mistake and wanted to apologize. The woman replied that she had regretted the tone in her letter. They took turns apologizing to each other, and she finally said she appreciated his call and thought him a “very nice person” whom she would like to know better.

It’s important first to sympathize with the other person, then gently point out how their approach might cause them certain problems, until finally they decide that your way will prove more useful.

St Louis piano teacher Joyce Norris met with a young girl who wanted to take lessons. The girl had beautiful, long fingernails, which would impede her progress on the keyboard. Ms. Norris complimented her on her nails and suggested that they might get in her way at the piano. The girl made a face, and her mom confirmed that the nails were important. A week later, however, the girl had trimmed her nails. Ms. Norris’s understanding comments gave the girl room to see for herself what she needed to do.

Principle nine, then, is: “Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires” (174). 

People have practical incentives for doing what they do; they also like to think they have noble reasons as well. When negotiating a difficult point, it’s wise to appeal to the other person’s higher motives.

At a car sales and repair store, the collection department had six customers who refused to pay their bills. All had signed off on the invoices but later objected to one or more items. At first, the collectors scolded and threatened but got only arguments in return. Then, the manager stepped in, called each customer, apologized for the recent gruff treatment, and told everyone that he trusted them to use their knowledge of their car and their judgment to decide whether to pay the bill in full or adjust it. Five of the six customers paid in full, and all six bought new cars from the company within two years.

The 10th principle of persuasion is: “Appeal to the nobler motives” (180). 

Maligned for allegedly carrying too many ads and not enough news stories, the Philadelphia Evening Bulletin newspaper responded by printing, in book form, every story from a single day of the paper. The book, titled One Day, was 307 pages long. It dramatized, in physical form, a strong rebuttal to the charge of insufficient coverage.

One cash register sales rep, seeing old cash machines in a store, told the manager he was throwing money away with the old machine; as he said this, he tossed coins onto the floor. He got the sale. Similarly, when someone proposes marriage, they either get down on one knee or arrange for a romantic setting before popping the question.

One woman who needed to speak with her boss was promised a meeting, but it kept being put off. Finally, she prepared a formal letter of request that acknowledged how busy the boss was, attached it to a form with blanks for writing the date, time, and duration of a meeting, and put it in the boss’s in-basket. She got the form back that day, filled in with an appointment for that afternoon; she met with her employer at the appointed time and resolved the issues.

An advertising executive met with an important client about research into the cold cream market, but the discussion sidetracked into investigation methods. At the second meeting, the ad exec simply dumped a briefcase full of cold cream jars, each tagged with study results. The dramatic presentation made all the difference.

Principle 11 is: “Dramatize your ideas” (185). 

Uninspired employees will perform miracles of labor if their work becomes a competition. People will accept difficult assignments if they’re presented as challenges to their courage.

Behavioral scientist Frederic Herzberg found that workers respond not so much to the pay but to the challenges of their tasks: “If the work was exciting and interesting, the worker looked forward to doing it and was motivated to do a good job” (188). This includes dares and competitions.

The twelfth principle of getting agreement: “Throw down a challenge” (189).