How to Win Friends and Influence People

Charles Schwab found a group of workers smoking beneath a “No Smoking” sign. He handed each a cigar and said he’d appreciate it if they smoked them outside.

John Wanamaker, on a walk through his department store, found a customer waiting at an empty checkout counter while salesclerks chattered nearby. Wanamaker stepped behind the counter, completed the sale, then walked over to the clerks and handed them the purchase for wrapping.

Despite repeatedly telling his staff to let visitors in, Florida’s Orlando mayor Carl Langford found that his people were still trying to keep too many visitors from getting past their desks. Langford had his office door removed, solving the problem

None of these solutions included a word of criticism; the actions spoke plainly, if indirectly, and no one was scolded. When words are necessary, though, it’s a good idea to change the word “but” to “and”. Thus, telling someone they’ve been doing good work, but they made a mistake can be changed to telling them they’ve been doing good work and they’ll no doubt apply that skill toward correcting errors. 

Principle two of leadership is: “Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly” (202). 

When the author’s niece began work for him, she had little experience and made many errors. Instead of scolding her, he would describe the mistakes he had made in the past, how she was more competent than he had been at her age, and how it might be wiser to do such-and-so instead of what she had just done.

In 1909, the German leader, Kaiser Wilhelm, made a series of boastful and incendiary statements that had Europe in a rage. The Kaiser, regretting his words, decided that his chancellor, Prince von Bülow, should take the blame. The prince protested that no one in Europe would think him capable of offering such incendiary advice. This angered the Kaiser, who accused the prince of thinking he was a donkey: “Von Bülow knew that he ought to have praised before he condemned” (205). Immediately, he praised the Kaiser for his vast knowledge of naval, military, and scientific matters, topics on which the prince declared his woeful ignorance. The Kaiser, mollified, declared that he and the prince made a great team.

One man, a smoker, found that his teenage son was taking up the habit. The man told his son that he, too, had started smoking at the same age and had become badly addicted and now regretted his choice. The son decided to delay starting until after high school; he never did smoke after that, and the father managed to quit, too.

The third principle, then, is: “Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person” (207). 

Instead of ordering people around, often it’s better to ask questions that invite suggestions on how to carry out tasks. The answers workers give help commit them to completing the task.

A vocational schoolteacher found a student’s car parked across the entrance to the parking lot. The teacher found the car’s owner and angrily threatened to have it towed. The student moved the car, but thereafter the students made that teacher’s life difficult.

In contrast, a precision-parts manager booked a big order that conflicted with other scheduled jobs, so he gathered the workers and asked if they could find ways to expedite the valuable project. They offered suggestions and became dedicated to completing the order, which came in on time.

The fourth principle of leadership is: “Ask questions instead of giving direct orders” (210). 

If a worker must be reprimanded or let go, it’s best to do it so they can save face.

One accounting firm, at the end of the annual tax season rush, would let go of extra workers by calling them in, complimenting their service, and saying they looked forward to the possibility of having their help again next year.

Scoldings can ruin a worker’s usefulness. At one company, an executive lambasted a supervisor in front of his team; the supervisor left to work for a competitor shortly thereafter, where he did excellent work. At a food company, a young woman ran a market test but made an error that required her to redo the test. Her report to the boss stated that “due to an error I would repeat the study before the next meeting” (213). Instead of being cross, her employer said the mistake was due to inexperience rather than incompetence, and he looked forward to her revised report. Thereafter, she was intensely loyal to him.

Leadership principle five: “Let the other person save face” (214). 

If trainers can get dogs to do amazing things simply by praising and rewarding them, why can’t people do the same for each other? We prefer to scold, yet praise has a much more powerful, almost magical, effect.

A young boy was told by his music teacher that he was no good as a singer. His mother, though, assured him that he could sing, and she scraped and saved to get him more lessons. The boy grew up to be Enrico Caruso, the most famous opera star of his era.

Fourteen-hour days of drudgery consumed the life of a young dry-goods clerk. Desperate and suicidal, he wrote to his old schoolmaster, who praised his intelligence and offered him a job as a teacher. Encouraged, the young man eventually penned bestselling books as the writer HG Wells.

John Ringelspaugh, a student of Carnegie’s, tried praising his children’s good behavior instead of condemning the bad. The results were immediate: “within the first day or two some of the really upsetting things they were doing quit happening. Then some of their other faults began to disappear” (218).

At a print shop, a new hire produced a job of exceptional quality. The owner learned that this man had been having trouble adjusting to the demands of his new position and that his supervisor wanted to fire him. The owner spoke to the man, praising his efforts on the high-quality job. Immediately, the new worker became a dedicated member of the team.

Leadership principle six is: “Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be ‘hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise’” (220). 

It’s helpful to give a struggling worker a good reputation to live up to.

Embarrassed when a dental patient pointed out that the chrome holder for the paper cups used for spitting was dirty, the dentist penned a note to the woman who cleaned the office, complimenting her on her good work and offering to pay for an extra half-hour so she could “do those ‘once-in-a-while’ things like polishing the cup holders and the like” (224). The next morning, the cup holder shone like a mirror, and his desk and chair were immaculate, at no extra charge.

A fourth-grade teacher received as a student Tommy T, a bright kid but a known troublemaker. She introduced Tommy to the class as a “natural leader,” whom she would depend on to help her make the class a great one. She also continued to compliment him on his ability to learn quickly. Tommy lived up to his new reputation.

The seventh principle of leadership is: “Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to” (225). 

If we point out people’s flaws, they become discouraged; if we point to their good attributes, they take heart.

David Jones sustained injuries as a toddler in a car accident—his forehead had a bad scar, he was ridiculed by school kids, and teachers assumed he had brain damage. A poor student, he was held back two years. In 1970, at age 15, he reunited with his father, Clarence, who had been divorced from David’s mother for many years. Clarence discovered that David loved working on radios and TVs and wanted to become a technician. Clarence told David he’d need math skills to get ahead. They set up a nightly program of arithmetic practice using flashcards. The goal was to get through a complete set of cards perfectly in eight minutes. Each improvement was cause for celebration. Within a month, David reached the seemingly impossible goal: “He had made the fantastic discovery that learning was easy and fun” (229). Thereafter, David made rapid progress in all his studies, won his school science fair, took third place at the Cincinnati fair, and made the national honor society.

Leadership principle eight states: “Use Encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct” (230). 

When US President Wilson wanted to negotiate peace among the combatants of World War I, he sent his chief advisor, Edward House, to Europe. William Jennings Bryan had wanted the job and was upset, but House told him the president believed the task needed to be done quietly, and that Bryan was a very prominent figure. “House practically told Bryan that he was too important for the job—and Bryan was satisfied” (232).

Dale Ferrier’s Fort Wayne property had a grove of pear trees. His son’s job was to pick up fallen pears so they wouldn’t interfere with the mowers, but the boy didn’t like the work and did it haphazardly. Dale offered to pay his son for each bushel but dock him for any pears left on the ground. The job was done beautifully thereafter.

To change a behavior, be sincere and empathetic, and make a request that suggests the listener can benefit from the change. When one public speaker had to turn down a job offer, he did so by suggesting another speaker to replace him. A store clerk in West Germany persistently didn’t get the proper price tags in place on the shelves, so her boss appointed her “Supervisor of Price Tag Posting;” she did fine after that: “It is naïve to believe you will always get a favorable reaction from other persons when you use these approaches” (235), but they work more often than not, and even a 10% improvement makes you a 10% better leader.

The ninth principle of leadership, then, is: “Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest” (235-36).