Love on the Brain

“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a community of women trying to mind their own business must be in want of a random man’s opinion.”

Bee reflects on how random men on the internet insist on asserting their opinion on her Twitter page, @WhatWouldMarieDo, in the midst of women trying to commiserate about their personal experiences in STEM. The passage calls to the theme of Discrimination Experienced by Women in STEM, highlighting how women frequently experience condescension and judgment from men about everything from their work to their personal lives.

“‘Grad school’s stressful for everyone,’ Tim would say when I complained about my entirely male advisory committee. ‘You keep going on about Marie Curie—she was the only woman in all of science at the time, and she got two Nobel Prizes.’

Of course, Curie was not the only female scientist at the time. Dr. Lise Meitner, Dr. Emmy Noether, Alice Ball, Dr. Nettie Stevens, Henrietta Leavitt, and countless others were active, doing better science with the tip of their little fingers than Tim will ever manage […].”

Bee describes how Tim, her ex-fiancé, dismisses Bee’s dissatisfaction with having to deal with a male-dominated environment in grad school. Besides highlighting the under-representation of women and other marginalized groups in academia, this passage also displays the insensitivity and callousness that characterize Tim in his relationship with Bee. It also points to the general lack of information surrounding women in STEM as Tim mistakenly believes Curie was the only female scientist active during her time.

“I miss Finneas. I miss the tchotchkes I accumulated in my Bethesda apartment that made it feel like home. I miss Reike—seeing her in person, hugging her, being in the same time zone. I miss knowing where the olives are at the supermarket.”

Here, Bee reminisces about home and her sister. Bee’s longing for the small things that make up the routine of her ordinary life is grouped together with her missing her sister, highlighting Bee’s deep desire for family and stability in her life. It also shows that Reike’s constant traveling has a greater impact on Bee’s sense of well-being than she admits even to herself.

“Trevor is a mediocre scientist who was lucky enough to be at the right place when tons of neuro positions and funding opportunities were created. Fast forward twenty years, and he has made just enough connections to avoid being fired—even though I strongly suspect that if given a human brain, he wouldn’t be able to point to the occipital lobe.”

Bee describes the incompetence of her boss, Trevor. Trevor’s incompetence is further on display later in the book when he unfairly holds Bee accountable for the delay in BLINK and gives Levi credit for the solution to helmet’s main issue. When the demo goes wrong, he believes that BLINK can be salvaged by replacing Bee despite her being the best in her field. Bee’s description of how Trevor has managed to hold onto his job despite being mediocre highlights the double standards present for men and women in STEM.

“‘[Y]ou even told my fiancé that he should marry someone else, but of course you don’t despise me, Levi.’

His Adam’s apple bobs. He stares at me like that, stricken, disconcerted, like I just hit him with a polo mallet—when all I’ve done is tell the truth.”

Bee confronts Levi about apparently having told Tim not to marry her and receives a stricken reaction. Bee’s misread of Levi’s reaction is a classic example of the kind of misunderstandings that are present in enemies-to-lovers romances: As readers already understand by this point, Levi’s reaction is one of shock at Tim’s lie rather than shame over having said something like Bee alleges.

“Science does'nt work like that. It doesn’t do deadlines or consolation trophies. You can design the perfect study, sleep one hour a night, feed on nothing but despair and Lean Cuisine for months on end, and your results can still be the opposite of what you were hoping to find. […] Science is reliable in its variability.”

Bee describes the nature of scientific research. She looks to fulfill her desire for security and stability by leaning on her academic and intellectual achievements, the one thing Bee believes she can rely on. It is ironic that she does so as Bee also describes the unpredictability of research. However, Bee considers its variability to be reliable, and the non-necessity of emotional investment in science allows her to focus her energies on science in a way that she avoids doing in relationships.

“[H]aving a man vouch for you will help you be taken seriously—the better-regarded the man, the higher his Sausage Referencing™ power.”

Bee describes how, with Levi present and vouching for her, the engineers take her more seriously. This is a common phenomenon experienced by women in STEM and academia, and professional fields in general. Bee backs this up with the anecdote of how Curie was denied a Nobel nomination for her own work until a male physicist (her husband) intervened with the panel on her behalf. It points to how a woman’s credibility lies not in her own achievements but ultimately in another man’s opinion.

“My lifelong dream is a pretty brick home in the suburbs, a family with two point five children, and a yard to grow butterfly-friendly plants. I’m pretty sure a psychoanalyst would say that it has to do with the nomadic lifestyle of my formative years.”

Bee describes how Levi’s house is exactly the kind of house of which she has always dreamed. This revelation points to two things: how Bee’s “nomadic lifestyle,” by her own confession, has instilled in her a deep desire for the ordinary and the mundane; and how Levi appears to be extremely well suited for her, though she cannot see this yet.

“‘You know who traditionally does poorly on standardized tests? Women and marginalized individuals. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy: groups that are constantly told by society that they’re less smart walk into a testing situation anxious as hell and end up underperforming. It’s called Stereotype Threat, and there’s tons of literature on that.’”

Kaylee rants about the inherent biases in standardized testing, in connection with a conversation on the GRE with Rocío and Bee. This is the conversation that inspires Bee to tweet about the test, sparking the #FairGraduateAdmissions movement, which is an important thread in the story. Kaylee’s rant also points to how discrimination against women and other marginalized groups in STEM and academia exists at not just individual or attitudinal, but systemic level.

“Several people came forward and talked to the media about the number of minimum-wage hours necessary to afford the test, about their frustration when wealthier classmates with access to private tutoring performed better, about the crushing disappointment of being rejected by dream institutions despite perfect GPAs and research experience because their scores didn’t meet some arbitrary cutoff by a few percentage points.”

Bee’s tweet about the GRE takes on a life of its own, sparking the #FairGraduateAdmissions movement, which inspires people to share their own experiences with the GRE. This passage highlights the specific issues related to the GRE and standardized testing used as admission tools, from affordability to irrelevance. It explains precisely how the test advantages certain populations over others, pointing to the theme of Discrimination against Women in STEM.

“Reike’s all about seeing new places and making new memories, but to me, if you constantly go after new things, there’s never enough of anything.”

Bee and Levi discuss her upbringing and the differing impact it had on each of them. Besides reiterating Bee’s longing for stability, the exchange also highlights how Levi is tuned into who Bee is and what makes her tick. He instinctively understands how Bee’s upbringing has shaped her and acknowledges and accepts her needs without judgment.

“When I’m like this, a hairbreadth from exploding, I need structure. External frontal lobes. I need someone to think for me until I’ve calmed down.”

Levi calms Bee down after she passes out upon seeing Annie at the conference and wakes up later in Levi’s room; Bee appreciates the calm leadership he provides when she is frazzled. This demonstrates how in sync with Bee’s needs Levi is, as well as illustrating how Bee thinks, in keeping with her training as a neuroscientist: she processes and talks about experiences around her in scientific terms, much like the chapters are named.

“‘Guy has never been to space, never will. […] He was supposed to go to the ISS, but he failed the psychological screening last minute—not that it means anything. Those tests are ridiculously selective.’”

Levi discloses that Guy failed the psychological screening to travel to space but dismisses this result in the same breath. This detail about Guy is actually an important clue to the kind of dangerous behavior he will later display in the book; Levi’s dismissal of the failure is a red herring, made plausible by the simultaneous conversation being carried out in the book regarding the limitations of testing.

“‘You were always good at everything, always so . . . so happy and cool and fun. You made it seem effortless.’

I was never any of those things. Not by a long shot. But I think of Levi—impenetrable, cold, arrogant Levi, who turned out not to be impenetrable, cold, arrogant at all. Being so dramatically misunderstood doesn’t seem that unlikely.”

Annie’s description of Bee as she was perceived in grad school is surprising and reminds both Bee and the reader that the perceptions of someone’s character may be entirely different than who they really are. It also foreshadows the revelation about Guy that arrives at the climax of the book.

“You have to understand, people don’t talk about the things they feel where I come from. I got really tongue-tied around you—leading you and everyone else to believe that I despised you, apparently.”

Levi explains his uncommunicative and seemingly hostile behavior towards Bee in grad school. This passage sheds some light on Levi’s own background, which is further revealed to have been hostile to and neglectful of his needs and wants as a child. It also points to theme of Perceptions and Reality, where Levi’s behavior towards Bee was severely misconstrued as him despising her.

“‘I read the email for the seventh time, and for the seventh time I marvel that I was given credit for my idea. Goes to show how low the bar is for cis dudes in STEM, doesn’t it?”

Levi emails the team, crediting Bee with coming up with the solution to BLINK, and Bee is amazed. Her genuine wonder and joy at having been credited with her own work highlights that men appropriating or dismissing the ideas of others, especially women and other marginalized groups, is a common occurrence in STEM.

“‘But the end does happen. Unavoidably. All relationships between living beings end somewhere, somehow. […] One party dies, or is called away by other biological needs. Emotions are transient by nature. They’re temporary states brought on by neurophysiological changes that aren’t meant to be long-lasting. The nervous system must revert back to homeostasis. All relationships associated with affective events are destined to end.’”

Bee explains to Levi her belief that all relationships inevitably end, one way or another. Her explanation highlights her deep fear of the pain associated with relationships ending caused by the numerous negative experiences she has had so far. It also, once again, points to how Bee processes the world around her in neuroscientific terms, given her background and training: She tries to explain the changing feelings in a relationship vis-à-vis the changes taking place in the nervous system and its attempt at reverting to homeostasis.

“‘I’m not sure I want your entire team to know that I’m having a thing with a colleague. It sounds like the type of thing . . .’

‘. . . for which women in STEM get unfair shit all the time?’

‘Yup.’”

Bee is wary of going public about her relationship with Levi. This points to how women’s lives are unfairly scrutinized and judged, even in the workplace, in a manner to which men are seldom subjected. The exchange also highlights how well Levi understands Bee, and the general empathy he has towards those around him; unlike Tim, he immediately understands why such a situation would make Bee uncomfortable, and even acknowledges the unfairness of the circumstance.

“‘I just cannot believe how—how well-adjusted you are! […] I’m befuddled that you haven’t turned out a titanic psychopath despite the family you came from. There has to be a miracle in there, no?’ […]

‘There was some therapy involved […] lots of talking through how my inability to functionally communicate my needs stemmed from a family that never allowed me to.’”

Bee is amazed at how functional Levi is as an adult, despite the upbringing he had; he, in turn, attributes this to therapy. Levi’s frank admission that he has been in therapy, and even the choice to do so in the first place, demonstrates characteristic maturity and sensitivity. Furthermore, his example is important to Bee and the readers, suggesting that it is possible to transcend the negative impact of certain formative experiences in one’s life.

“Imagine being Curie […] sitting in your minuscule Paris apartment, trying to eat a Camembert baguette while the mob rages outside your window because you dared (gasp!) to be an immigrant! To be a woman in STEM! To fuck!”

Bee reflects on what she believes Curie must have felt during a time in her life when her personal and professional lives were both beset by trying circumstances. Curie’s experience is used to parallel Bee’s own difficult circumstances and highlights how little has changed for women in STEM from Curie’s time to Bee’s.

“[F]or a wild, reckless second, I have the weird impulse of telling him about my mess. […] My name will get out sooner or later.”

Just before the demo, Bee has a sudden urge to confess about her Twitter persona to Levi though she eventually chooses not to do so. The situation is ironic as Levi is distracted by a “non-work emergency,” which is, in reality, the mess surrounding @WhatWouldMarieDo. Furthermore, Bee chooses not to tell Levi because she doesn’t think anyone besides Schmac will believe her, ignorant of the fact that Schmac is, in fact, Levi.

“‘When we went to the conference? And I saw Tim? […] It was upsetting. […] But after a while I realized that I didn’t really feel anything for him, not anymore, and it was . . . nice. That’s what I want, you know? I want nice.’ I’ve had so little of it.”

Bee honestly confesses to Levi that she is tired of being hurt by people leaving her and is willing to pay the price of loneliness if it means that she is not ever left behind again. At this point in the story, Bee is fully aware of the fact that she is throwing away a loving relationship over the fear of being hurt. However, this choice is also informed by her current circumstances: She is at the lowest point in her professional life, having potentially lost both BLINK and @WhatWouldMarieDo. Understandably, she chooses to end things with Levi before he gets a chance to do so himself because this is the only thing she has left to lose, and she would rather be in control of when it ends than be on the receiving end of disappointment once again.

“Loneliness is here. It molds our souls, but also our bodies. Right inferior temporal gyri, posterior cingulates, temporoparietal junctions, retrosplenial cortices, dorsal raphe. Lonely people’s brains are shaped differently. And I just want mine to . . . not be.”

After Levi leaves, Bee reflects on how people’s brains are tangibly impacted by the experience of loneliness. Once again, Bee processes her experiences through a neuroscientific lens. It is only upon Levi’s departure that the full impact of his presence in her life hits her, and she begins to process that she does not want to feel like this any longer.