Stand Up, Yumi Chung!

“‘Mr. Lee, Yuri is not teenager anymore!’ He pauses. ‘She is twenty years old. Skipped two grades and graduated from the university early,’ he adds, injecting himself into the conversation. I swear, my sister is like his own living, breathing trophy.”

Mr. Chung scurries across the restaurant to converse with a customer to brag about his overachieving daughter. While the quote demonstrates the one-upmanship involved in boasting about a parent’s progeny, it also depersonalizes Yuri into an inanimate trophy. The comment also implies that Yumi can never make her father equally proud.

“I picture waking up from surgery after having charisma and confidence stitched alongside my organs and being miraculously healed from my stifling self-consciousness. I’d leave the hospital a totally different person. I’d participate in class, have a ton of friends, and my jokes would land.”

In these early pages, Yumi is desperate to change her persona. This fanciful wish to have a personality transplant will shortly be fulfilled. By masquerading as Kim Nakamura, Yumi can pretend to be what she’s not. In rejecting her authentic self to please others, she distances herself even further from the True Yumi.

“‘Can you imagine what it’s like trying to survive in an environment you aren’t suited for?’ I kick a pebble down the cracked sidewalk. Sadly, I can. That’s just how it feels every day I’m at Winston.”

As a new vegan, Ginny complains about the plight of endangered lions in Africa. Of course, Yumi relates the comment to her precarious survival at Winston. Nobody likes her, and she spends most of her time in isolation. Unfortunately, her parents don’t care about her misery. They only care about her grades.

“‘I’m serious. Yumi, if you never stand up for yourself and go along blindly with whatever Mom and Dad say, you’ll be chasing their dreams, not your own.’ Dang, that’s intense.”

Yuri hasn’t yet revealed her motivation for making this comment, but the advice is sound. Pleasing one’s parents is commendable. Pleasing them at the expense of one’s happiness is not. While Yumi won’t have the courage to stand up to her parents until the novel’s end, her sister has already taken that step by joining the Peace Corps.

“I blink hard. His rejection feels like a giant anvil strapped around my ankle, yanking me off the cliff like in those vintage Road Runner cartoons. This is exactly why I never ask for anything. The disappointment hurts too much.”

Yuri has just asked if Yumi can attend comedy camp, and her father’s response is abruptly negative. It’s worth noting that Yumi doesn’t have the courage to ask on her own behalf. She believes her parents never listen to her but might listen to Yuri. In this case, Yuri is proposing something outside the scope of their plans for Yumi, so the answer is no. Yumi’s despair at being disappointed might explain why she is so hesitant to disappoint others.

“In neat loopy script it reads, The only failure is not trying. ‘What’s this’” I ask, grappling with what it means. ‘This is your new motto. Stop worrying about living up to other people’s expectations and pursue excellence on your own terms.’”

Mrs. Pak has just pointed out that Yumi’s hesitation will be her downfall. Her fear of disappointing others holds her back even in her hagwon test scores. This is one of many pieces of good advice Yumi will receive from the mentors in her life. Sadly, no words of wisdom come from her parents because they are too focused on achievement to take the time to offer guidance.

“Winston, hagwon, the SSAT. All that stuff is for my parents. My jokes, those are for me. That spark when I craft the perfect punch line, the satisfaction of coming up with a fresh take for a bit, the excitement of nailing just the right wording...it’s the best. It makes me feel like what I have to say is worth listening to.”

At many points in the novel, Yumi complains that no one listens to her. She feels invisible to her family, which helps explain her need to take to the stage. A paying audience has come to listen while a performer does all the speaking. This arrangement is attractive to Yumi, not only because she loves comedy but also because she wants to be heard.

“Going to PAMS would be a dream come true. Hanging out with Felipe and Sienna every day, doing comedy, meeting real comics. Not setting foot in Winston’s stuffy old halls again. What more could I ask for? ‘Well, what’s holding you back, then?’ Fear.”

Yumi is carrying on an internal monologue as she considers her dream future. She succinctly answers her own question with the word that dominates her life. Her fear of disappointing her parents is so great that she won’t risk asking for what she wants. At the same time, she fails to recognize that a change of venue won’t change who she is.

“‘I’m—I’m not happy. I just don’t want to be there. I hate the blood. The cadavers. The guts. The organs.’ She rubs her temples in circles. ‘I don’t belong there.’ I get it. This is exactly how I feel about going to Winston. Sometimes you just know when you don’t belong.”

Yuri has just confessed her dislike of medical school to her parents. Her words closely parallel Yumi’s many inner conversations about hating Winston. Thus far, Yumi has been afraid to articulate her dislike of what she’s being forced to do. The inner conflict also takes a toll on Yuri. She is described as physically wasting away as she deals with this crisis. Yet again, parental expectations fail to take into account personal happiness.

“‘Sad things. Controversial things. Even embarrassing things. For us, that’s just more material for the show.’ Eeesh, not sure what I missed earlier, but what she’s saying feels wrong on so many levels. Mom and Dad raised me to hide my flaws, not broadcast them. Show your best face. What will others think? Excel and bring your family honor. These are the things my parents have etched into my brain since I was in diapers.”

Jasmine has been lecturing the comedy campers about using personal flaws for comedy fodder. As Yumi points out, this flies in the face of everything Korean parents teach their children. Even more significant than the lesson taught is how early the indoctrination begins. Yumi wasn’t even out of diapers before these expectations were introduced, which helps illuminate why she has difficulty breaking free from such long-standing beliefs.

“It’s true, I do really appreciate her whole get-back-up-again message and everything, but she’ll never understand the world I’m coming from—the same way I don’t understand her world or Sienna’s. Let’s be real: my situation is different. I can’t afford to fail over and over like they can.”

Yumi is distinguishing the Asian immigrant experience from the lives of other young Americans. For the Chungs, failure is not an option. To some degree, Yumi is correct in assessing how high the stakes are. If the Chungs fail to make a go of it in America, they have nowhere to turn. This sense of urgency has been conveyed to their children. Yumi takes a similar all-or-nothing approach to her comedy.

“I know it doesn’t sound anything like a compliment—in fact it probably sounds more like scolding—but I know what she’s saying: she’s pleased. My mother is the type who is unable to say something encouraging without attaching some kind of warning to balance it out.”

Yumi’s mother has just indirectly conveyed her pleasure at Yumi’s improved hagwon test scores. The inability to give an undiluted compliment is another way the Chung parents push their children to greater achievement. If nothing is ever quite good enough, one must always strive to reach a higher mountain peak. Mrs. Chung doesn’t realize that her attitude can be more demoralizing than comforting to her daughter.

“She strokes my hair. ‘Yumi, you don’t ever have to pretend to be anyone else, okay? You are enough just as you are,’ she tells me. ‘Now go fix this mess.’”

Yuri offers these words as she tries to comfort her distraught sibling. Ironically, she behaves more like an emotionally mature parent than Mr. and Mrs. Chung do. They focus on the external achievements of their daughters. Yuri emphasizes Yumi’s inner goodness. No doubt, she had to teach herself this lesson since her parents never did.

“‘That’s the part I still can’t get over.’ Her mouth bunches to the side in disdain. ‘Lord knows I try to be a forgiving person, but if there’s one kind of person I cannot stand, it’s liars.’ Suddenly, the walls start closing in on me.”

Jasmine has just had an upsetting phone conversation about a fellow comic who stole her material. She confides her annoyance to Yumi. Because the girl has been conditioned to avoid causing displeasure to the authority figures in her life, this offhanded remark achieves far more significance than it should. Yumi takes Jasmine’s words as a veiled criticism of her behavior. What Jasmine thinks weighs more than what Yumi wants.

“‘It’s not something I can answer for you. I think you gotta follow your heart on that one.’ […] After he leaves, I’m a giant pretzel of conflicting emotions. What does it mean to follow my heart, anyway? What if pleasing my parents and wanting to do comedy are both pieces of my heart?”

Yumi has just asked Manuel what he would do if he had to choose between pleasing himself or pleasing his parents. The cook refers the question back to Yumi. Because she has been externally motivated her entire life, she has no inner resources to guide her. Her reply indicates the deep level of her confusion and her devotion to her family. Choosing for herself has never been an option.

“Jasmine stares at the crinkled envelope before finally taking it. ‘I don’t know what to say. I didn’t expect this from you.’ Hearing her say that destroys me. I let her down. I let everyone down. All because I was trying to be the New Me.”

Yumi is in the midst of a confrontation between her parents and Jasmine. At this point in the story, her lies have been exposed to everyone who matters to her. Yumi’s reference to the “New Me” still refers to external conditions she was trying to manipulate. In reality, she wanted to feel happier with herself, but this couldn’t be accomplished by changing schools or impressing her parents. The True Yumi is still a long way from surfacing.

“But just because I want to do comedy doesn’t make me selfish. Mom and Dad don’t understand that the stage is my lifeboat. The one place where I’m able to let go and make mistakes and figure it out as I go without penalty. I wish I could make them see how much it frees me. But I can’t. I’m not allowed. I do as I’m told and go to my room, jam-packed with things I don’t have the courage to say out loud.”

Yumi makes an important point in this quote about why comedy attracts her. The stifling atmosphere at home is calculated to render her obedient and successful. Freedom is discouraged because it conflicts with the Chung parents’ need for control. Yumi must not only get away from her family to feel free, but she must also adopt a false persona to do so. She still doesn’t have the courage to say what she feels out loud.

“I can’t believe I’m eating tofu curls. More than that, I can’t believe Ginny convinced her mom to cook vegan. I guess nothing is impossible.”

Throughout the novel, Yumi sees her parents as intractable in their views. They represent a brick wall standing between her and everything she wants. Ginny’s ability to convince her mom to cook vegan indicates that Korean parents can adapt. This is an entirely new concept to Yumi and one that her family will demonstrate before the story ends.

“It unsettles me to hear him talk like this. Dad’s the guy who makes something from nothing and doesn’t apologize to anyone. The guy who makes me feel safe and secure. Why is he apologizing to me?”

Yumi converses with her father in the alley after the failed Grand Reopening. For the first time, Yumi sees her father not as an authority figure but as someone who makes mistakes. His vulnerability makes him approachable, and father and daughter can carry on a meaningful conversation in which both are heard for the first time.

“What I mean is, it’s everything to me. When I’m onstage, people actually listen to me. And when I get people to laugh, it’s the best. It makes me feel like a whole different person, and I don’t want to stop. That’s why I did what I did.”

This quote dovetails with the preceding one. By admitting his weakness, Mr. Chung enables his daughter to finally explain why comedy matters to her. Yumi keys on the need to feel heard. Her family never listens to her, but a comedy audience does. During this conversation with her father, she finally achieves the impossible. Her father hears her and can relate to her joy onstage by confiding that he also once wanted to be a performer.

“What is holding me back from trying to patch things up with Jasmine? What’s the worst that can happen? If I show up and she’s unwilling to talk to me, at least I’ll know that I tried my best to make things better instead of being a coward and avoiding her for the rest of my life. […] I shouldn’t let my fear stop me from doing the right thing.”

Yumi is debating whether to confront Jasmine. In earlier chapters, Ginny advised her to pay Jasmine the tuition fee and disappear forever, which would be the traditional way of dealing with shame. However, Yumi is finally breaking free from the norms that have dominated her life. She asserts that cowardice and fear will not rule her life going forward.

“‘If you practiced your mathematics as much as your joke, you would have the PhD!’ Normally I’d fume at the invasion of privacy, but for some reason I don’t. She might not understand my passions or agree with all my decisions, but she sees me. As it turns out, she always has.”

Mrs. Chung admits that she overheard Yumi practicing her comedy routines in her bedroom and didn’t try to stop her daughter from rehearsing. Yumi finds this little fact comforting. To some small degree, Mrs. Chung acknowledges that Yumi isn’t as invisible as she supposed she was.

“While my heart aches at all the things I’ll miss, I take comfort in knowing there’s no such thing as failure. Just a chance to pivot and try something different.”

Yumi makes this comment as the family is counting their restaurant receipts after the benefit. They still don’t know if they made enough to stay afloat financially. In this moment of greatest uncertainty, Yumi overcomes her fear of failure. Comedy has taught her that no failure is final. She has learned resilience in the face of challenges.