Stupid Fast

That November, when Felton is a sophomore, he goes through puberty. His voice drops, he grows body hair, he outgrows his clothes, develops a huge appetite, and he wants to sleep all the time. He also becomes “stupid fast.” His “hippy” mom, Jerri, who works as a crossing guard, yells at Felton for sleeping and for yelling at his 13-year-old brother, Andrew. Frustrated by all the shouting at home and his physical changes, Felton runs as hard as he can during a physical fitness test and beats everyone else. Jerri, who saw the race, thinks Felton’s speed is a gift from “the Universe.” It did not come from his dad, who was a “sweet, fat American Jew” (5). Felton realizes that Jerri is acting more strangely than usual, but is not worried, as she has always been eccentric. Andrew plays piano and does not value sports.

Coach Knautz asks Felton to go out for track. Felton wants Jerri to be proud of him like she is of Andrew, so he agrees even though he doesn’t like track. Focusing on track, Felton misses seeing his two friends, Gus, and Peter Yang. Felton succeeds in track and wants to beat the team’s star: Ken Johnson, who once pushed him off his bike. Felton is wound up at the regional meet and makes two false starts, disqualifying him. Coach Knautz encourages him, and other coaches want Felton to try out for football. Felton, emotionally destroyed by his failure, stays home from school for a few days and wonders if he can be a comedian.

Content Warning: This portion of the guide directly addresses death by suicide.

Felton believes he would fail as a stand-up comic because only his best friend, Gus, laughs at his jokes. Felton once performed a Jerry Seinfeld routine that bombed and he speaks annoyingly fast.

Felton addresses unfunny “larger issues” in this chapter about his father Steven, his mother, and hometown. Felton used to believe his dad’s ghost watched over him: until he realized his father’s suicide seemingly meant his dad did not want to be with the family. Felton implies that his dad hanged himself. Declaring they needed to move on, Jerri held a bonfire and burned most of Steven’s possessions, including family photos. Felton remembers driving with his dad to a hill outside town, “the Mound,” and playing while his dad jogged. This memory does not fit with what Jerri told him about his father being unathletic. Jerri acts more strangely around Felton, watching him for hours while she thinks he is sleeping and making crying sounds. Felton pretends to sleep so he does not have to talk to her.

Felton hates his small, rural hometown of Bluffton, Wisconsin which he and Gus call “Suckville.” There is little to do in Bluffton, which boasts a small college and a Walmart. Felton’s only friends are Gus, who is truly funny, and Peter, who never laughs. The three are sons of college professors and think that the town kids, whom they call “honkies,” are stupid. Felton often feels like a “retard,” apologizing for the term in the narrative; Felton explains that he assumes everyone believes he is stupid, so he gets nervous and acts stupidly, creating a self-fulfilling cycle.

Just before the last week of school, Felton watches TV in his basement bedroom and overhears Jerri on the phone talking with Gus’s mom, Teresa. Jerri assures Teresa that Felton will take over Gus’s paper route because Felton needs to “re-engage.” The word has negative connotations for Felton. He had anxiety attacks starting in fourth grade and refused to go to school. Jerri, to get him to re-engage, took him to a therapist who recommended that Felton say the name of a friend when the attacks occurred. Felton spoke Gus’s name out loud and was teased by classmates for years. Other re-engagement strategies also failed, making Felton panic and miss school, and making Jerri apologize endlessly. Felton eventually learned to control his attacks because he did not like the attention at the time.

To his angry dismay, Felton discovers that Gus and his family must go to Venezuela for the summer to visit Gus’s dying grandmother. Felton does not want to cover Gus’s paper route, but Jerri insists. Felton cusses about the situation and yells at Andrew to stop playing piano. Felton thinks his summer is ruined. On the last day of school, Gus apologizes for leaving, saying he does not have any friends in Caracas. Felton says he has no friends in Suckville.

Present-day Felton declares that he has happy memories. His family went camping every summer until this summer. Jerri once took him and Andrew to Wyalusing State Park where they hiked and explored the bluffs along the Mississippi River. Felton was not yet “stupid fast,” but he could jump far and enjoyed leaping across chasms. He even impressed Andrew. In the evenings, the three would sit around the campfire, eating marshmallows and singing John Denver songs. Jerri is a good singer. Felton insists that Jerri has been a good mom and made his summers happy.

One of the stops on Gus’s paper route is a nursing home. Every morning, Felton delivers the paper to hundreds of old ladies whose robes and clothes are often in disarray, forcing him to see their underwear. Ladies shout at Felton to help them escape, and one younger lady screams whenever she sees him. The nursing home makes Felton sad: He feels like it is a prison for the old ladies. Felton and Gus are in contact via email, and Gus tells Felton to avoid looking the “inmates” in the eyes, but unlike Gus, Felton cannot hide behind long hair. Gus confides that he is unhappy. Spending the day with his dying grandma is like being in the nursing home. Felton shares that he is bored and eating incessantly, Jerri is acting strangely, and Andrew stopped showering once school ended. Gus concludes, “We’re losers” (27).

Felton rides his Schwinn Varsity bike on the paper route. The bike is one of the few things he inherited from his dad, and Felton loves it. He delivers a paper at Gus’s house. He is upset that someone has rented Gus’s house for the summer. The new people removed Gus’s family photos and replaced them with wooden masks. As he stares, a beautiful Black girl in a white nightgown opens the door and asks what he wants. Felton says he is the paperboy, tosses a paper at her feet, and bikes away quickly. He instantly feels humiliated and guilty, thinks he is an idiot, and wishes he could disappear. At home, he tells Jerri that “Africans” have moved into Gus’s house. She explains the new tenants are a poetry professor and his family. Felton, feeling ill, calls himself a fool and goes to his room. Jerri wakes him later and urges him to get up and go out and do something. Felton angrily tells her to leave him alone and asks why she treats him like a “retard.” Jerri tries to stay calm, but her uncharacteristic anger and name calling—she says he is becoming a “little Gosh. Dang. Jerk!”— (33), both scares Felton and makes him mad. After she leaves, Felton emails Gus to complain, but realizes Gus has his own problems.

Felton, feeling unskilled, decides that learning to drive would solve his social problems. Jerri agrees to teach him if he gets his permit. Felton scarfs down food while listening to Andrew and his musical ensemble friends, whom Felton calls “dorks,” practice Bach in the living room. Felton admits, however, that they are skilled.

It is 1:51am as Felton continues his story. When Felton was nine and Andrew was seven, Jerri took drumming lessons from a man named Tito. She invited the drumming circle to their home one evening. Tito offered Felton a drum, but Felton thought that the all the pounding felt like his “heart attacks” at school and was afraid to touch it. Andrew, however, turned out to be a natural. He started piano lessons soon after and became a star student. Tito gave Felton a pouch of protective crystals and stones. Kids made fun of Felton when he took the rocks out at school, but he still carried them covertly for years. Even after his embarrassment at the track meet, he held onto a crystal. Felton no longer carries the stones. Felton thinks that believing in the protective power of rocks is like believing that his dad’s ghost watches over him. Felton then admits it is possible his dad is watching.

Felton calls Peter Yang, who is not thrilled to hear from him. Felton invites himself to the swimming pool with Peter and his friends. Andrew is sad because Jerri, uncharacteristically, said his musician friends could not stay for lunch because she has a migraine. He blames Felton for upsetting Jerri, but Felton dismisses him and Andrew asks why he is so lame. Felton hates Andrew, but his inner voice berates him and says he is making his family unhappy. Felton thinks he has punished Jerri until she hates him, and knows he also makes Andrew sad.

Peter Yang is not at the pool and Felton angrily realizes that Peter lied. Felton thinks they have never been real friends. Finally, Felton sees “jock-o” Cody Frederick and another football player, Jason Reese. Cody is setting up football trainings over the summer and wants Felton to attend. Felton is uncomfortable because he knowingly missed the first practice, but they exchange phone numbers. Ken Johnson, Felton’s nemesis, appears and mocks Felton. Reese joins in. Felton is livid and feels like he is going to vomit. The voice in his head furiously says Ken and Reese should fear him. Enraged, Felton bikes home. He calls Peter’s house and tells Mrs. Yang to tell Peter he is a jerk. Felton emails Gus who responds they now have no friends except each other. Felton feels lonely and angry.

It is 2:13am. Felton recalls the night after his humiliation at the pool. He raged in his room, breaking his old toys and listening to his dad’s rock CDs, which Andrew discovered after their dad’s death. Andrew took the classical music, and Felton took the others. Felton plays angry music from groups like Nirvana and Sonic Youth. Jerri asks him to turn down the volume and worries about his negative thinking. She also tells him that Coach Johnson called. Felton wants her to leave him alone. He is angry that Ken Johnson is Coach Johnson’s son and is upset that anyone wants him to play football. His anger keeps him awake, making him late on his paper route.

Delivering to Gus’s house, Felton sees the young Black girl again, playing the piano. She is a musical genius, and Felton stares, amazed. The girl’s father—whom Felton knows later as Ronald—catches him gawking and says that Aleah plays well. Felton agrees, then bikes away in embarrassment. He thinks about how he is lonely and unskilled. He rushes through the nursing home paper delivery, shushing the ladies who call out to him.