Stupid Fast

“You can’t burn memories, Jerri. I guess you know that now.”

Felton recognizes what Jerri, after she burned the possessions and mementos of her late husband, does not: One cannot erase one’s past by destroying physical objects. Memories, good and bad, remain in the mind. They can be repressed, but unless addressed, they can still cause emotional problems.

“Have you ever noticed you can’t get away from yourself?”

When he sees Aleah for the first time, Felton wishes he could escape the critical voice in his head and wishes that he were not as socially inept as he feels. Felton is highly self-critical and suffers from anxiety and low self-esteem, feelings that gradually change as he constructs his sense of self and gains confidence.

“Go do something. Get out into the world, Felton.”

Jerri worries that Felton is too withdrawn and isolated, spending his time sleeping and watching TV. Her advice triggers a snarky response from Felton, making Jerri angry enough to call him “an effing jerk”—something she has not done before (33). Felton admits that this scares him, but it also makes him angry, and he lashes out defensively, rejecting the rest of her attempts to engage him until she leaves in frustration. Jerri’s response shows her increasing emotional distress. Her comment is also ironic because she is the one who later retreats from life.

“Do you ever wish you were with him, Felton?”

Jerri questions whether Felton has suicidal thoughts, revealing both her concern for him and, tangentially, her fear that Felton is like his father. In the narrative, Felton declares that “of course” he did not know what Jerri meant at the time. However, as he tells his story, it is clear that he exhibits several of the warning signs of suicide and depression: sleeping too much, withdrawing, and rage.

“‘Seems to me your puberty went steroidal, kid,’ Coach Johnson said. Both Ken and Cody giggled when Coach said puberty. ‘You’ve got no fat on you. None.’”

Coach Johnson’s observation offers a humorous look at the often-challenging time of male puberty. Felton discovers that he has not only grown large, but that others see his development as a positive. Coach thinks Felton is a “big gun” for the team. These revelations make Felton think more positively about himself.

“You gotta start carrying yourself like you’re that big. Really, Reinstein. Nobody will ever mess with you again.”

While Felton still feels “tiny” inside, Cody urges him to have confidence and assert himself. He tells Felton to let his self-image match his exterior, assuring him that he is not a “beanpole” and that he should behave like a true athlete. With his advice and support, Cody proves to be a good friend.

“Because you grew up thinking crazy was normal?”

Felton recognizes that he, Andrew, and Jerri have unresolved emotional issues that they do not communicate to each other. They each cope with their problems uniquely, but unhealthily. This comment also reveals Felton’s fear of what he calls “crazy” and his insensitive use of stigmatizing, othering language to describe mental health. 

“It’s not your problem! It’s not your problem! You got that, kid?”

Several times, Felton and Jerri refer to the “problem” in the family. Early on, Felton selfishly dismisses Jerri’s unhappiness and tries to make her feel bad about herself, pinning “the

problem” on her and saying he is just a small part of her larger issue. Jerri’s sobbing, angry

acceptance of the problem marks the worsening of her mental health crisis.

“Do you know I’m thirteen, and legally and emotionally and morally, I need a parent?”

While Felton, more independent and self-sufficient than Andrew, outwardly dismisses Jerri’s “drama” as “crap,” Andrew takes the situation seriously from the start. Andrew suffers from her hurtful comments, and he keenly feels the loss of her love and attention. Jerri’s neglectful behavior damages Andrew’s relationship with her.

“I’m going to ask her the hard questions!”

Andrew vows to discover whatever truth Jerri is hiding about their dad, even if it makes him, and Jerri, uncomfortable. Andrew attempts to open communication and uncover secrets, pushing for communication. While Felton avoids problems at home, Andrew confronts them.

“In the daytime? Felton the Barbarian did really well.”

Felton’s persona is strong and confident thanks to his weightlifting and new relationships. It reveals a mostly positive part of his new sense of self. Felton admits that at nighttime, however, his confidence slips, and Jerri and Andrew’s emotional struggles frighten him. This quote reflects the themes of self-discovery and coping with mental illness.

“Unlike Andrew, I didn’t want answers about Jerri’s zombie life. I just wanted a mother to help me not kill my brother.”

Felton recognizes that he has trouble controlling his anger and so reveals his concern with his own emotional state. Felton also demonstrates his coping strategy, which is to avoid looking for the underlying cause of Jerri’s behavior. However, he acknowledges that he needs her help and guidance and that he struggles without a parental figure.

“He’d taken all the dark in this story and pushed it right out to the outside.

Andrew, unlike Felton, expresses his feelings of fear, anger, and worry about Jerri. He externalizes these emotions and becomes, in Felton's opinion, tough like a real-life pirate. Felton respects Andrew’s strength and feels that in comparison, his own denial and avoidance are cowardly.

“I want to be your brother, Felton.”

Despite Felton’s aggression, sarcasm, and abandonment, Andrew reaches out to rebuild their brotherly relationship. Andrew shows maturity and forgiveness—and how much he loves Felton. The two unite in their need for emotional support.

“Aleah called me simple. I’m simple. I’m stupid. I’m me.”

Stressed about the discovery that Jerri was a teenager like him when she was pregnant with him, and upset about the “faker” texts, Felton feels like the last good part of his new identity is destroyed when Aleah calls him “simple.” He interprets her comment negatively and feels like a “squirrel nut,” the way he used to. Overcoming these crises helps Felton regain self-confidence and transition to adulthood.

“Why is it so hard to know why you’re behaving the way you are when it’s all going down?”

In hindsight, Felton recognizes the complexity of his emotions after learning the truth about Steven and the reasons for Jerri’s mental health crisis. Felton acknowledges he “was really upset” (255). His comment shows self-reflection and a growing sense of maturity.

“Your job is to be a kid.”

Felton struggles to make things “normal” for Jerri. Grandma Berba, however, wisely tells Felton he cannot “fix” Jerri: She requires professional help. Although they both use stigmatizing language to describe Jerri’s mental illness, it is not done with intentional malice or disdain. Felton and Grandma Berba both show their love and support for Jerri’s recovery.

“You run like Aleah plays piano. It’s beautiful.”

Jerri believes Felton’s speed is a gift from the “Universe” and he should not waste this powerful, innate talent. Felton’s running is passionate, expressive, and explosive. As Felton studies Walter Payton’s plays, Felton also takes control of his power. Steven was also “beautiful” when he ran. Jerri’s comment helps Felton feel her love for him and makes him reconsider his rejection of athletics.

“He was at peace. He was sincerely happy when he was on a tennis court. Nowhere else maybe. But playing? Movement made him happy.”

Jerri explains that Steven felt the same compulsion for movement as his son. Felton feels that when he is moving, he is untroubled by anxiety, and “everything makes sense” (184). Jerri’s words give Felton a new, different sense of connection to his dad.

“But I don’t understand opera. And I’m sort of a chucklehead. And my family is a disaster. And I say honky because I don’t know what it means. And I freak out like a little kid.”

Felton lists his shortcomings to Aleah, showing that he still has insecurities about himself. Aleah, however, shows that she appreciates Felton for who he is, innocence and “weirdness” and all. Her commitment and that of his new friends helps Felton realize he misjudged them all and needs to be more trusting in his relationships.

“We suck, Rein Stone.”

Karpinski, characteristically uncouth, sums up Cody’s apology to Felton. His friends feel badly for knowingly being unkind to Felton over the years, even though they knew about his dad’s suicide. Their regret and their kindness nearly bring Felton to tears and shows the importance of communication and supportive peer relationships.

“When I think of her now, that’s the picture I have in my head.”

When Felton thanks Jerri for the best birthday he has ever had, he reveals his love for her and gives Jerri joy. Her smile of love and happiness is the positive image Felton keeps in his mind after she leaves. The picture supersedes all the negativity and conflict they have experienced and shows that Felton appreciates Jerri. Their relationship has changed and improved.

“On the back of the picture, Jerri had written: Your father wasn’t as terrible as Grandma says.”

The photograph of Steven, Jerri, and Felton all smiling reveals to Felton that there were times of love and happiness in the family. It leaves Felton emotional and at a loss for words. He recognizes that his new, negative opinion of his dad may also be incomplete.