Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

In the context of Supercommunicators, “emotional contagion” refers to the psychological phenomenon in which humans tend to synchronize their emotions with the emotions expressed by those around them. This synchronization can be deliberate, such as when we choose to empathize with another person, or automatic, occurring outside of our consciousness. Emotional contagion is believed to have evolved as a means to help humans form bonds and connections with others.

“Identity threat” refers to the psychological discomfort or distress experienced by an individual when they feel that their membership in a valued group is being questioned, denied, or denigrated. This can occur when someone is lumped into a group against their will, denied membership in a group they identify with, or assigned traits they loathe. Identity threats can emerge in various settings, from the workplace to casual social interactions, and can lead to defensive reactions, communication breakdowns, and strained relationships. Duhigg emphasizes the importance of understanding and mitigating identity threats to foster more productive and empathetic conversations, particularly when discussing sensitive topics such as race, gender, or other aspects of personal identity.

In the context of Supercommunicators, a “learning conversation” refers to a type of dialogue that highly effective communicators engage in to create meaningful and productive interactions. It is characterized by four key rules: 1. Paying attention to the type of conversation that is occurring; 2. Sharing one’s own goals and asking what others are perceiving; 3. Inquiring about others’ feelings and sharing one’s own emotions; 4. Exploring whether identities are relevant to the discussion. A learning conversation is designed to foster a deeper understanding of the thoughts, feelings, and perspectives of all parties involved. This type of dialogue moves beyond surface-level interactions and promotes a more empathetic, curious, and collaborative approach to communication. By engaging in a learning conversation, individuals can align their goals, establish a connection, and navigate difficult or important discussions more effectively.

The term “looping for understanding” refers to a communication technique that involves actively listening to someone through asking open-ended questions about their thoughts, feelings, and experiences; then summarizing what the other person has said in one’s own words; and finally, asking for confirmation to ensure that one has accurately understood the other’s perspective and to clarify any misunderstandings. By engaging in this process of “looping for understanding,” individuals can create a sense of psychological safety and trust, encouraging others to share their thoughts and emotions more openly.

The “matching principle” is the concept of recognizing and aligning one’s communication style with the dominant mindset of one’s conversation partner, creating a sense of connection and understanding. Effective communication requires identifying the type of conversation occurring (decision-making; emotional; or social) and matching the other person’s mindset. The matching principle is fundamental to establishing genuine connections and facilitating meaningful conversations.

Duhigg uses the terms “mood” and “energy” as more accessible synonyms for “valence” and “arousal,” respectively. Mood refers to the positive or negative emotional state a person is experiencing, while energy describes the intensity or activation level of that emotional state. By attuning to others’ mood and energy, individuals can demonstrate emotional intelligence and build stronger connections.

A concept explored in Chapter 2 of the book, “quiet negotiation” refers to the subtle, often unspoken process of determining the topics, rules, and norms of a conversation. This negotiation occurs through tone of voice, body language, and other nonverbal cues, as participants seek to establish a consensus on how the dialogue will unfold.

“Reciprocal vulnerability” refers to a mutual exchange of emotional openness and empathy that occurs when individuals engage in active listening, share their own feelings, and provide support to one another. Reciprocal vulnerability is established through techniques such as “looping for understanding,” asking permission before sharing personal experiences, and expressing genuine concern for the other person’s well-being.

Duhigg introduces the concept of “stereotype threat” through the work of psychologist Claude Steele. In the context of the book, stereotype threat refers to the phenomenon whereby the mere existence of a negative stereotype about a group’s abilities can undermine the performance of individuals within that group. This effect is observed in various examples, such as Black students taking verbal reasoning tests and women undertaking advanced math exams. Duhigg emphasizes the insidious nature of stereotype threat and its ability to perpetuate inequalities and limit potential, even when no one in the individual’s immediate environment openly expresses prejudiced views.

In the context of the book, a “supercommunicator” is an individual who possesses exceptional communication skills that enable them to connect with others on a deeper level, build trust, and navigate complex conversations effectively. These individuals have learned to listen attentively, ask the right questions, and adapt their communication style to suit different situations and people. They are able to detect and navigate the practical, emotional, and social layers of conversations, seeking to understand others’ perspectives while clearly expressing their own. Supercommunicators are not necessarily the smartest, funniest, or most confident people in the room, but they have mastered the art of making others feel heard, understood, and valued. According to Duhigg, anyone can become a supercommunicator by unlocking their instincts and learning the skills and techniques that underlie successful conversations.

The How Do We Feel? conversation refers to the practice of engaging in emotional conversations by asking questions that elicit feelings, values, beliefs, and meaningful experiences from others. This type of conversation involves listening for vulnerabilities, acknowledging emotions, and reciprocating by sharing one’s own vulnerabilities and emotions. Duhigg emphasizes the importance of the How Do We Feel? conversation in creating genuine connections and understanding between individuals.

The “logic of costs and benefits” is a mode of decision-making that emphasizes practical, analytical thinking and the weighing of potential advantages and disadvantages. People using this logic tend to be persuaded by data, evidence, and rational arguments.

The “logic of similarities” is a mode of decision-making that relies on empathy, shared experiences, and emotional resonance. People using this logic are more likely to be persuaded by stories, analogies, and appeals to common values or identities.

The What’s This Really About? conversation is the process of uncovering the true purpose, desires, and needs of all participants in a conversation. This involves asking questions, listening actively, and experimenting with new ideas to identify shared goals and values. By engaging in this conversation, participants can transform a potentially adversarial discussion into a collaborative, productive dialogue.