Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection

Duhigg opens the chapter with the story of Jim Lawler, a young CIA case officer who struggled to recruit spies in the early 1980s. Despite his initial failures, Lawler eventually learned the importance of establishing genuine connections and matching the conversational mindsets of others. Through his interactions with Yasmin, a potential asset from the Middle East, Lawler discovered that the key to successful communication lies in listening closely, sharing one’s own vulnerabilities, and finding common ground.

Duhigg discusses the scientific research underlying human communication, referencing a range of studies that showcase the synchronization of people’s brains and bodies during effective conversations, a phenomenon known as “neural entrainment.” He mentions research conducted at the Max Planck Institute for Human Development in Germany, where scientists studied the brains of guitarists playing together. The study found that when the musicians transitioned from playing separately to performing a duet, their neural activity began to synchronize, and this linkage often extended to their breathing, heart rates, and even the electrical impulses along their skin. Duhigg also cites a Princeton study that measured the neural activity of people listening to a woman recount a complex story, revealing that the listeners’ minds synchronized with the narrator’s, experiencing the same feelings at the same time. Listeners who were more tightly aligned with the speaker showed better comprehension and recall of the story's details.

Building on this foundation, Duhigg introduces the work of Beau Sievers, a researcher at Dartmouth’s Social Systems Lab. Sievers, who had a background in music and had experienced moments of profound synchronization while performing, designed an experiment to identify the characteristics of “high-centrality participants” or supercommunicators. In the study, participants watched confusing, silent movie clips alone and then discussed them in small groups. Sievers discovered that some groups became much more synchronized than others, and that these highly-aligned groups tended to have one or two high-centrality participants. These individuals spoke less than dominant leaders and often asked questions, repeated others’ ideas, admitted confusion, and made self-deprecating jokes. They encouraged their groupmates and laughed at others’ jokes, making it easier for everyone to speak up and feel heard.

Sievers found that high-centrality participants asked 10 to 20 times more questions than other participants and were skilled at adjusting their communication style to match their companions’ moods and attitudes. When a group got stuck, they would bring up a new topic or interrupt an awkward silence with a joke. Crucially, these supercommunicators constantly adapted their own brain activity to the group, playing a significant role in creating group alignment. They subtly guided conversations without dominating them, and their influence on the group’s consensus was often invisible to the participants themselves. Sievers’s research reveals that groups with high-centrality participants experience greater neural synchrony and alignment, leading to better understanding and consensus. Furthermore, he discovered that these super communicators tended to have larger social networks, were more likely to be elected to positions of authority, and were often sought out by others for advice and serious discussions.

Duhigg explains that there are three primary mindsets in conversations: The decision-making mindset (focused on practical matters and problem-solving); the emotional mindset (dealing with feelings, beliefs, and memories); and the social mindset (concerned with relationships, identities, and how one is perceived by others). Supercommunicators are adept at recognizing and matching these mindsets, a concept known as the “matching principle.” By aligning their communication style with the dominant mindset of their conversation partner, supercommunicators create a sense of connection and understanding. Duhigg emphasizes that matching is not mere mimicry but rather a genuine attempt to understand and relate to the other person’s perspective.

Returning to Lawler’s story, Duhigg describes how the CIA officer finally connected with Yasmin, a potential asset, by being honest about his own struggles and vulnerabilities. During their final dinner together, Lawler abandoned his attempts to persuade Yasmin to become a spy and instead shared his own doubts and insecurities about his job and abilities. By sharing his truth and listening to hers, Lawler established a genuine connection that ultimately led to Yasmin agreeing to work with the CIA. This experience taught Lawler the importance of authentic communication, which became the foundation for his future success as a recruiter. He went on to become one of the agency’s most successful recruiters, convincing dozens of foreign officials to participate in sensitive conversations, and his techniques were eventually incorporated into the CIA’s training materials.