Swimming in the Dark

Ludwik grows up in Wrocław. His is one of the many families forced to relocate there from other parts of Poland. Ludwik has known Beniek for almost his entire life, sometimes playing together but only becoming actual friends as they prepare for their First Communion. After classes, they go into the city and explore, and Ludwik occasionally goes to Beniek’s house. At the Eisenszteins, Beniek shows him records sent from his cousins in the West. It is where Ludwik is introduced to the Beatles. As they spend more time together, Ludwik grows jealous of Beniek’s dad, as his own father left his family and remains absent. One day, Ludwik asks his mother if Beniek can come to live with them and be like a brother, but his mother says that he cannot, because Beniek is too different.

Ludwik is confused, but on a Saturday after playing in the rain, Beniek and Ludwik go back to Ludwik’s house where Granny makes them strip naked to dry off. Ludwik finds himself excited to see Beniek naked but shocked to discover that his penis, circumcised, looks different from his own. On their overnight First Communion excursion, their group hosts a dance. Though it takes a while for the boys and girls to mingle, they have fun until the lights go out. In the darkness, Ludwik feels a desire to kiss Beniek and pulls him close, but the lights come back on before they can kiss. Beniek is startled but not angry. All night and for days after, Ludwik is confused and guilty.

The day of the First Communion arrives, but Beniek is missing. When Ludwik goes to his apartment, he is chased off by the mother of a new family. A neighbor peeks out from a door and tells Ludwik that the Eisenszteins went to Israel and are not returning. Ludwik is crushed. He writes to Janusz, asking him if he ever had a young love like that, though he is not convinced that everyone suffers like he did.

In 1980, in Warszawa, Janusz and Ludwik board the same bus going to a summer agricultural work program. Both are students, but neither knows the other yet. Ludwik sits with his friend Karolina and reads Quo Vadis. For years, Ludwik has read books to escape, and as the bus prepares to depart, he reflects on his liking of the in-between feeling of leaving. Karolina is like a sister to Ludwik, giving him many secret books, though he is unsure if she realizes he is gay. Once, she took him to a gay bar, and he got very uncomfortable and agitated that she thought he would like it. At the bar, he heard some men talking about a book by James Baldwin called Giovanni’s Room. He eventually tracked it down through multiple bookstores. He brings it to camp, its pages glued into a new cover. At the camp, Ludwik makes eye contact with Janusz and becomes flustered, discovering that they will be in the same work group picking beets.

That night, Ludwik thinks of how his Granny scolded his mother when he was younger for letting him sleep in her bed after having nightmares, saying that it would make him abnormal. Growing up, Ludwik felt shame about his attraction to boys. He recalls a time when it finally became too much, and he went into the city one day after school, bought some alcohol, and went to a park well-known for being a meeting place for gay men. As he waited on a bench, an older man approached him, took him to a secluded area, and performed oral sex on him. Afterward, they talked and introduced themselves. The man’s name is Marian. He told Ludwik that he lives alone and that no gay man, even the married ones with families, can find love for more than a few weeks at a time. Terrified, Ludwik committed to changing and found a girlfriend the next week. Granny and his mother had been so proud.

As the camp begins, Ludwik watches Janusz from afar, admiring him and spending time with Karolina. Ludwik does not know what to do after graduation, and though he is encouraged by a professor to pursue a PhD in literature, he is unsure if he wants to. During his free time, Ludwik occasionally goes for walks, and one day he finds Janusz swimming in a nearby river. They introduce themselves and though Janusz wants him to join for a swim, Ludwik refuses. They begin to acknowledge each other during the day and spend time together after work at the river. Both like to clear their heads away from the camp. Ludwik begins reading Giovanni’s Room and feels a deep connection to the protagonist’s uncertainty and pain. Ludwik reads it alone, but one day, Janusz stumbles on him reading it and Ludwik cautiously explains the novel to him, admitting that it is a banned book. Despite this, Janusz is interested and asks to read it afterward.

The book makes Ludwik closely examine his own double life of living with the secret of his sexuality. It fills him with anxiety. He begins avoiding Janusz, not going to the river or meeting his eye as he sits with his friends in the mess hall. However, one day, Janusz finds him and asks for the book again. Ludwik gives it to him, thinking that there is no harm in it as there is only a week left of the program before they part and never see each other again. He spends the entire week worrying that Janusz will figure out his secret. On the last night, at the celebratory fire, Janusz finds him. He tells Ludwik that he understands why the book is banned and then asks why he stopped coming to the river. Ludwik realizes that Janusz knows why. Janusz then invites Ludwik to come with him to the lake district before returning to the city.