Symptoms of Being Human

After making it to campus, Riley briefly hides out in a bathroom stall, humiliated that already their “differentness is impossible to conceal” (6). When they make it to their first class, AP English, Riley chats with a boy named Jason Solomona, who goes by Solo. Solo tries to guess where Riley is from and is disappointed to learn that Riley grew up in Park Hills—he was hoping Riley was from somewhere more exotic. Solo reacts awkwardly when he misinterprets Riley’s joke as flirting, but walks with Riley to their second class together, AP Government.

In AP Government, Riley is temporarily rescued from being called on by the teacher when an intriguing boy in “a black peacoat jacket I kind of want to steal” (13-14) incorrectly answers the question instead. After class, Riley and Solo part ways, and when Riley enthusiastically asks if they’ll see him at lunch, Solo only answers with a noncommittal, “Maybe” (16).

Riley’s first day at Park Hills High continues through precalc and French. During French class, Riley dreads the approach of lunchtime and feels “as if wasps have begun building a nest inside my skull” (18)—the beginnings of a panic attack. They take some deep breaths and stave off the panic attack for the time being, but Riley’s anxiety starts up again when they walk past the “gauntlet of Park Hills High’s social elite” (20), which Riley is surprised to see includes Solo. The group makes comments and whispers about Riley. Riley reaches their breaking point when Jim Vickers, the running back on the school’s football team, calls them a slur for transgender people. Noticing that Solo doesn’t stick up for them, Riley begins to cry and runs from the cafeteria.

After school, Riley comes home to an empty house and takes refuge in their room to listen to music on their record player. Feeling lonely, they think back to Solo’s betrayal at lunch, and further back, to Derek Yu–a friend from Immaculate Heart, Riley’s former Catholic school—who began distancing himself from Riley without explanation around the time Riley went to Pineview, a psychiatric hospital, for inpatient treatment.

Feeling overwhelmed with anxiety again, Riley logs onto their blog and writes their first post, omitting any identifying information and writing under the false name Alix. They write about people’s need to categorize them and the dysphoria they feel due to being unable to dress to match their gender fluidity. If they present as masculine one day, Riley says, everyone will perceive them as always being a boy, or a girl if they present as feminine. This is why Riley dresses neutrally, “somewhere between a tomboy and a feminine-looking guy” (30), even though this makes them unhappy. Riley concludes the post by hoping that the blog will allow them to express themself in a way they can’t in their daily life. Riley clicks Post and immediately feels their anxiety decreasing.

At dinner that night, Riley’s parents try to ask about their first day of school, but Riley avoids telling them too many details. Riley’s parents are holding a fundraising dinner later that week for the reelection campaign; they pressure Riley to attend now that they’ve seemingly recovered from their time at Pineview. Riley uneasily agrees. Before Riley can retreat to their room after dinner, Riley’s mom tries to get them to open up about school, but they deflect and blame their nerves on the stress of the reelection campaign and wanting to fit in with their new classmates.

Unable to sleep, Riley writes another post about their gender dysphoria. Riley remembers being unable to choose between a blue Power Ranger and a Bratz doll at six years old. When Riley looked to their father for help deciding, they noticed his disapproval and decided to get a board game instead. Riley writes that they continued to make safe choices like that regarding their outward gender expression until they turned 15, when they first came across the term “gender fluid” while researching a news story about a transgender girl. Though Riley felt relieved to have a label to make sense of who they are, they still feel “as confused and out of place as I did before” (41). Riley wonders what it would take to make a change in their life.

Riley remembers other “decisions I made to hide the feelings I didn’t understand,” realizing “my whole life [is] designed around hiding” (42). Just as Riley is about to turn in for the night, they receive an anonymous message calling them a homophobic slur. Riley tells off the anonymous sender in a public message and is finally exhausted enough to sleep.

The next day, Riley wakes up feeling feminine, and though they stick to their neutral clothes, putting on lip balm helps alleviate the dysphoria a little. Riley avoids Solo and feels the beginnings of a panic attack coming on as the day continues. They try mental exercises to ground themself, but it doesn’t work. Riley makes it to the cafeteria before running to the back of the auditorium, followed by Bec DeLucca, the black peacoated student from AP Government who turns out to be a girl, not a boy. Bec is kind to Riley, making jokes with them and offering them juice boxes, which calms them down. Bec tells Riley that she followed them because they were brave enough to show up at the cafeteria after the incident from the day before. Riley asks if Bec is short for Rebecca, but Bec explains that she chose her name herself because of her large nose. When Riley asks what her real name is, Bec avoids answering. The bell rings and Bec helps Riley to their feet before walking away.

When Riley gets home from school that afternoon, they are surprised to find Sierra Wells—the girl who called Riley an “it”—and Sierra’s mother talking to Riley’s mother in the kitchen. Mrs. Wells humiliates her daughter by showing their hosts pictures of Sierra’s skin blemishes. Riley’s mother intervenes when Mrs. Wells asks about Riley’s skincare routine, sending Riley upstairs to work on homework until dinner.

That night, Riley finds that their blog has 58 followers and that their first post has over 100 views. Excited by the positive response, Riley writes another post, this time about meeting and having a crush on Bec, acknowledging that their own preconceived notions of gender caused them to assume Bec’s gender incorrectly. Riley uses the experience as a reminder that “somebody’s gender expression […] doesn’t necessarily indicate their gender identity” (58), and that gender identity is more about what’s internally felt by an individual than about what is externally seen by others.

On Wednesday, Riley experiences dysphoria throughout the day as “the needle on my internal compass” (60) starts pointing more toward masculine. They try to externally align with the change by putting on a beanie and changing the way they walk. In AP Government, Bec asks Riley to come over to her house the following night to study for their quiz on Friday, but Riley remembers their father’s campaign dinner and declines. Riley is unsure whether Bec’s disappointment is due to being turned down for a potential date, or due to being worried she’ll fail the quiz, but is intrigued when Bec slips them a note before the end of class.

The note from Bec contains her phone number and the words, “In case you reconsider” (63). Riley notices that Bec is missing from the table she usually sits at during lunch and is absent all day on Thursday. Riley stresses out over what to text Bec, but turns off their phone and puts the note away instead.

Thursday night, Riley tries to get dressed in their “costume” (64) for the campaign dinner, but panics when they realize their formal wear is what they were wearing the night they went to the hospital before entering treatment at Pineview. Riley realizes they can’t go through with the dinner. When their mom calls to let them know she and Riley’s father are on the way to pick them up, Riley, remembering Bec’s invitation, tells their parents about the study date. Riley’s father is initially furious, but their mother, wanting to encourage Riley to make friends, allows them to go. Riley calls Bec, and though she teases them at first, she texts Riley her address.