Thank You for Smoking

Jeannette meets Nick after his appearance on Nightline. They go to his apartment and have the same romantic interlude that they have had several times before. During their lovemaking, Nick’s answering machine records audible messages from Polly, Heather, and the Captain, all congratulating him on how he dealt with Senator Finisterre.

The next day, BR advises Nick that the FBI is investigating him. BR wants to hire Steve Carlinsky to be Nick’s attorney. Nick resists, saying he has not done anything wrong and therefore does not need an attorney. Hiring one would make him appear guilty. Jack calls to tell Nick that the A-list actors have come to an agreement to smoke in the science fiction movie. Their scenes will be shot twice so that they can smoke in the movies that will be released internationally and not smoke in the version that will go to domestic audiences. Meeting with the Mod Squad, Nick explains this development and says that the names of cigarettes will be digitally placed on the packages in the movie so that they can change depending on the nation where the movie is being shown.

That night, he has supper with Heather and tricks her into not writing a story about the FBI investigating him.

Nick appears before the subcommittee of Senator Finisterre to oppose the proposed label intended for tobacco packages. After his prepared statement, Senator Rudebaker from North Carolina comes to Nick’s defense by pointing out that Nick has received a number of death threats from Vermont.

Nick speaks to the Captain and discourages attacking Finisterre, saying that it is time to figure out how to make the skull and crossbones work for the tobacco industry. While he is talking, the two FBI agents show up and ask to search his apartment. Nick interrupts his schedule and takes them to his home, worried that they will find some old hash brownies in his freezer. Later, he meets with the Mod Squad and describes their search, which ended when one of the agents silently indicated they had found what they were looking for.

Nick asks Sven to design a skull-and-crossbones image that will not impede consumers from buying a pack of cigarettes. Meeting with Jeff back in California, Nick and the movie producers hash out the particulars of which actors will smoke, when they will smoke, how many puffs they will take, and what they will say.

The Captain calls Nick as he is returning to Washington to tell him that he might have to have another heart surgery. They discuss the FBI investigation and the possibility of hiring Carlinsky. When Nick attempts to call Jeannette, she gives him the cold shoulder. BR tells him that he has retained Carlinsky as Nick’s attorney.

The next day, Nick meets with Carlinsky, who goes over the case with him, after which Heather immediately calls Nick and asks why he has met with Carlinsky. Sven appears with drawings of a pleasant-looking skull modeled on the face of Mr. Rogers, the popular host of a children’s television show.

As Nick sits with Polly and Bobby Jay at Bert’s, fuming over the unflattering story Heather wrote about him, Gazelle contacts him to say that the FBI agents are headed his way. When they arrive, Agent Monmaney commands Nick to stand, turn around, and keep his hands where they can be seen. When Bobby Jay tries to intervene, a police officer frisks him too and finds he has a loaded gun in an ankle holster. Both Nick and Bobby Jay get arrested, to which Polly says, “I’ll…get the…check” (227). Once out of jail the next day, on a $100,000 bond, Nick goes to see Carlinsky. When Carlinsky describes the nicotine patch boxes the FBI found in a cabin in Virginia with his fingerprints, Nick storms out of his office to confront Jeannette, realizing she has framed him.

Barging through astonished coworkers, Nick confronts BR and Jeannette. BR suggests that Nick should take a leave of absence. Nick replies that taking a leave of absence would make him look guilty. He confronts the two of them about how stupid he would have to be to leave the kind of evidence the FBI has found. When he sees FBI techs in his office, Nick asks Gazelle to research flights to Winston-Salem even though he is not supposed to leave Washington. Nick hails a taxi and convinces the driver, who is Middle Eastern, that the FBI is trying to arrest the driver. The driver gets away from the agents who are tailing Nick, delivering him to the airport.

Nick makes his way to the hospital in Winston-Salem where the Captain is in the cardiac intensive care unit. Nick pretends to be the Captain’s grandson. He tells the Captain everything that happened. The Captain, distraught, relates that BR may have a team that kills people. The Captain says he wants to fire BR and Jeannette but asks Nick to consider pleading guilty for the sake of tobacco. The last thing he says to Nick is, “Don’t forget, tobacco takes care of its own” (240).

Feeling gleeful, Nick returns to the Academy the next day. The FBI agents accuse him of violating his bail by flying to North Carolina, which he denies doing. After they leave, Nick barges into BR’s office, again confronting BR and Jeannette. He details what he has figured out and says that they are going to jail for framing him. As Nick leaves, Gazelle takes him aside and tells him the Captain died that morning.

Nick goes to Carlinsky’s office and tells him everything he told the Captain and what the Captain had intended to do. As the two are strategizing Nick’s defense, BR calls and tells Carlinsky that Nick is no longer employed by the Academy and that the Academy wants to retain Carlinsky’s law firm, which makes it a conflict of interest for Carlinsky to represent Nick.

Nick sneaks to North Carolina to attend the Captain’s funeral. He is dismayed to see BR giving the eulogy, during which BR refers to a troubled former employee who caused great damage to the tobacco industry. As Nick watches the Captain’s family spread his ashes, a deputy grabs his arm, saying an FBI agent sent him. An agent steps up and takes custody of Nick. The man turns out to be Gomez.

Gomez pretends to arrest Nick and rapidly drives away from the funeral. They go to a diner and eat lunch. Gomez tells Nick that, before he died, the Captain asked him to watch out for Nick. He explains that BR has a group of people (Team B) that he uses to murder tobacco litigants rather than allowing them to take their cases to court. The same group tried to kill Nick but failed. Gomez gives Nick the name and address of the murder team’s leader and tells him he must figure out how to deal with him.

Nick meets with Polly and Bobby Jay at the Serbian restaurant where they now eat because the press hounds them for being the Mod Squad. Nick explains how the press got the information from him, and Polly and Bobby Jay leave in anger.

Nick decides to die by suicide. First, he tries driving into a pillar at high speed but cannot bring himself to go through with it. Then, he decides to electrocute himself on the Metro’s third rail. As he waits in the darkness for the morning trains to start running, Nick sees an unhoused man light a cigarette from JFK’s eternal flame, and an idea strikes him.

The Mod Squad meets in the Serbian restaurant again after Heather publishes a story saying that Nick is going to plead guilty and that the “Mod Squad” moniker was strictly his terminology. He asks Polly and Bobby Jay if they would like to help him bring BR and Jeannette to justice.

They go to New York. For several days, they stake out a theater where the actor who sounds like Peter Lorre is performing in an opera. On opening night, in a panel truck, they wait for the actor after the performance. Polly, dressed as a sex worker, approaches the actor. Bobby Jay shoots him with a rubber pellet that knocks him unconscious. They put the actor in the back of the van and play a recorded message implying that BR has a new Team C that is intent on killing the members of Team B. Polly, driving the van, makes a sudden turn that rolls the actor out the back, and they drive away from him.

This chapter consists of the headline of an article by Heather saying that BR, a non-smoker, died at Jeannette’s home from smoke inhalation. Jeannette is missing and being sought by the police.

The Epilogue consists entirely of a conversation on Larry King Live during which Larry King interviews Nick, who has been released from prison after two and a half years. Nick reveals that he is now married to Polly and that they are expecting a child. Nick apologizes for the lies he told while he was working for the Academy. He now works for Clean Lungs 2000. He has written a book called Thank You for Smoking, which is a tell-all about his time working for the tobacco industry.