Things We Left Behind

“That was what we did. We left things alone. The only acknowledgment of our shared past was the bitter aftertaste that colored every interaction. Neither one of us was going to forgive or forget. We would just continue pretending it didn’t still eat away at us.”

This passage ironically opposes the connotations implied by the novel’s title. While Sloane and Lucian are intent on moving on with their lives and leaving each other in the past, each remains fixated on the other, refusing to leave their respective childhood memories in the past. This unprocessed bitterness serves as the primary obstacle to their slowly burgeoning romance.

“I know you well enough to understand you take every precaution to protect those you care about. My concern is for you. Do you give yourself the same care?”

Emry is Lucian’s former therapist and his appearances throughout the novel often serve to articulate and examine the inner struggles that Lucian avoids facing. In this passage, Emry points out Lucian’s lack of regard for himself and his own protection. Lucian has always been the protector of those he cares about, from his mother and his employees to the people that his politicians serve. However, he often fails to protect himself because he does not feel worthy of love or protection.

“I busied myself with delivering the bag to the huge central island. There were small messes and chaos here. A haphazard stack of cookbooks, a flour spill next to the porcelain container that no one had gotten around to cleaning up. The bowl of apples sat half on and half off a magazine open to an article about sending kids to college. Messes weren’t tolerated in my house. Anything that might be a trigger had to be avoided at all costs.”

The symbolism of Lucian’s and Sloane’s homes continues in this passage. As the teenage Lucian regards the chaotic mess of Sloane’s home, which is perfectly acceptable in her household, the scene triggers his anxiety because messes are not tolerated in his own home and are met with a beating from his father. The state of Sloane’s home represents the carefree childhood that she experiences, for unlike Lucian, she does not have to worry about the consequences of failing to meet parental expectations.

“There were nights that I prayed to a deity I didn’t fully believe in, begging the divine to have him arrested for drunk driving or something worse. It was the only way we were going to survive. Though part of me worried that it was already too late. I was filled with the kind of anger that festered deep down, that never found a release, that changed who you were as a person. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t seem to unfist my hands. He had done this to me.”

This passage illustrates Lucian’s intense fear of continuing his father’s legacy of violence. The longer that Ansel evades justice, the more Lucian’s anger continues to build until he can barely control it. This rising tide of emotion is evidenced in his fists, which are permanently clenched. This loss of control over his body and his emotions scares Lucian, for he equates it to the loss of control that precipitates his father’s violence, and he has no wish to share this quality with Ansel.

“She kept saying “we.” As if she was in this too when that was the last thing I wanted. If she got too close…If she got hurt…I wouldn’t be able to hold back. I wouldn’t be able to stick to defense. I would end him, and in doing so, I would become him.”

Lucian’s avoidance of Sloane has nothing to do with a supposed grudge that he holds about their shared past. Instead, he avoids the woman he loves because his feelings for her are unpredictable and uncontrollable, and this scares him. He knows that if he is forced to protect her, he will go to great lengths and commit significant acts of violence to do so. Even if such actions are taken in defense of his loved ones, Lucian struggles to separate the motivation from the act itself. Thus, his fear of becoming like his father keeps him from pursuing his attraction to Sloane.

“She was wrong. I’d buried and forgotten nothing. Instead, I’d used it all as fuel. ‘There are some things we never get over. Some things we hide from the light,’ I said, patting my pocket only to remember I’d left my cigarette in the car.”

This passage slyly refers to the titles of the previous installments in the Knockemout series, all of which are focused on overcoming past traumas in order to find love and successful partnerships. Given that Things We Left Behind is the last novel in the series, Lucian brings all three of the series’ largest themes together in a decisive conclusion just as all three couples find their “happily-ever-after” resolutions in the novel’s final chapters.

“Did we all have this wound from our fathers? Was it necessary for every son to challenge his father to become a man? Was there always a winner and a loser, or was there a different rite of passage, a different path to respect?”

In this passage, Lucian questions the legacies, fears, and internalized beliefs that fathers pass down to their sons. As much as he doesn’t want to consider the possibility, Lucian cannot help but identify with Duncan Hugo, who has similar wounds left by his father, Anthony. Lucian wonders why respect for these relationships must be earned through hate, violence, and competition.

“You have things. You have millions of dollars and acquaintances in high places. You work every waking hour of the day. But none of that made you happy. You rescued the family name so it would never be associated with him, and that’s great, but that name ends with you. You got a vasectomy because he made you believe you were damaged. […] Every time you make a choice based on what he would or wouldn’t do, you’re still giving him the power. He’s still ruining you. First from prison and now from the grave.”

By attempting to erase his father’s stain on the family name and avoid the Complex Family Legacies that haunt his past and his present, Lucian has allowed his father to gain even more power over his life. His father’s lingering memory has stolen Lucian’s desire to have children of his own and has kept him from exploring his feelings for Sloane. Thus, in trying to negate his father’s influence over his life, he has ironically allowed his father to influence him profoundly, for his current life is structured around pursuing the precise opposite of everything that his father stood for.

“I’d wanted to hurt him that time. Not just stop him but really hurt him that time. I’d wanted to show him what it felt like. But I’d held myself back. Barely. I’d thought of Mr. Walton and the chessboard as red had bled in on the edges of my vision. Sometimes the best offense is a good defense. So I’d defended. And then he’d been fine. But I knew he couldn’t stay good for long. The man was a ticking time bomb.”

Lucian struggles with reining in his violence around his abusive father. His chess lessons with Mr. Walton symbolize the legacy that Simon instills in Lucian: protective defense instead of violent offense. This passage foreshadows the end of the novel, when Sloane points out that she sees more of her own father in Lucian, implying that his connection to her family is more than enough reason for him to inherit and pass down their positive legacy instead.

“I came from a family of heroes and wasn’t about to be left out.”

Sloane’s affirmation in this passage illustrates her desire to carry on the family legacy. The heroism that her parents have shown to their neighbors and community is something she admires, and in order to honor their legacy, she wishes to cultivate these qualities in herself as well.

“We never discussed what had happened in that house. We never mentioned his name. We hadn’t even discussed the fact that he was dead. We were both satisfied with sweeping it under the rug and then avoiding the gigantic lump in the middle.”

Lucian has never been able to let go of his traumatic memories and leave his father’s ghost in the past where it belongs because he refuses to acknowledge the lingering trauma surrounding Ansel’s memory. Similarly, his mother is stuck in a cycle of choosing relationships with the wrong sorts of men, including Anthony Hugo, because she also refuses to acknowledge her contribution to the past dynamics that governed her relationship with Ansel.

“You’re the man whose identity is so tightly bound to how he sees his father that you sabotage your own chances for happiness. He didn’t deserve to be happy, so by default, neither do you.”

Lucian struggles with Rebuilding a Sense of Self-Worth because he still hasn’t healed from the scars his father has inflicted. By fixating on his fear that he is more like his father than he wants to be, Lucian effectively treats himself as Ansel deserved to be treated, and this unhealthy tendency drives his determination to rob himself of all opportunities to find happiness.

“My life was now divided cleanly. Before Sloane and After Sloane. I should have felt better by now. I was keeping her safe by keeping my distance. Something I should have done from the beginning. Something I always seemed to be incapable of. But I’d done the right damn thing. So why the fuck did I feel so damn knotted up inside?”

As this passage suggests, Lucian has grown significantly over the course of the novel. A decision to leave Sloane might have felt right in the beginning, but since learning more of himself and confronting more about his past, Lucian is starting to realize that robbing himself of a happy relationship with Sloane is not a viable solution to resolving his lingering trauma.

“Yet even though it carved me up to see her pain, I realized what a gift this was. To be here when she broke. To pick up the pieces and help her put them back together again.”

Lucian previously saw himself as a threat to Sloane, as if being with her would cause him to eventually break her. However, in this moment, Lucian realizes that far from being inherently violent, destructive, or villainous, he is the only person that Sloane trusts to help her recover from a traumatic experience.

“I thought I’d been doing the right thing by keeping her at a distance. She was supposed to have been safer that way. But by leaving her alone, I’d left her vulnerable to a danger I hadn’t anticipated. I wanted to protect her from me, from the dark shadow that was my past, from the danger that was my present. But I’d left her open and vulnerable to something else. Something that had almost stolen her from me. If my distance couldn’t protect her, my proximity would. From now on, I would be Sloane’s shadow.”

While this passage does represent evidence of Lucian’s inner progress, he is still succumbing to old behavior patterns by embracing the role of “rescuer” to those he loves. In many ways, his determination to protect Sloane is born of his age-old perception that he failed to protect his mother from his father’s violence years ago. However, while he is still motivated by the lingering effects of his childhood scars, his decision to remain by Sloane’s side rather than distancing himself from her suggests that he has undergone considerable character growth since the beginning of the novel.

“I’d buy her a new one. A dozen new ones. I’d rebuild her library brick by brick, book by book. And I would never let her face danger alone again. Something loosened in my chest. Something old and rusted. Like an ancient lock finally forced open. Fresh air swept inside, blowing aside the cobwebs, lighting the hearth. She’d always been mine. I was just now accepting that fact. Once something was mine, I never gave it up.”

This passage faintly touches on the symbolism of homes as they appear throughout the novel. The lock is the door to Lucian’s heart, and the figuratively cleared cobwebs and glowing hearth refers to Lucian’s desire to create a home for Sloane both in his heart and in his life.

“This whole time, I’d assumed I was the one who’d put her in danger. But in reality, it had come from a different direction, and I could have been there to stop it. I should have been there to stop it.”

This passage highlights Lucian’s realization that he is not like his father at all. By extension, he realizes that his legacy is not defined by his capacity to harm and endanger his loved ones. By recognizing that the danger to Sloane is completely outside himself, Lucian no longer shoulders the sense of blame that he has carried for decades.

“‘My hero.’ The words from her did strange things to my insides. And I knew I’d treasure them just like every ‘attaboy’ I’d earned from her father.”

In his youth, Simon Walton’s encouragement and support helped to fuel Lucian’s determination to become a better man than his father. After Simon’s death, Lucian spirals into unprocessed grief, as his only worthy idol and father figure is now gone. When Sloane calls him a hero, her words echo the same pride that her father once had in Lucian, eliciting the feelings of worthiness and pride that Lucian has been craving since Simon’s death.

“‘It sounds as if you two have never really had the opportunity to deal with the issues that kept you apart in the first place.’ […] I winced as the truth he’d kept bottled up for all these years hit its target. It was a wound that had never fully healed in either of us.”

With this statement that vaguely alludes to the meaning of the title, Emry points out that although Sloane and Lucian still believe that they have left the past behind, it has been causing them both heartache for years. This statement comes mere minutes before the two finally face their issues and put their hard feelings to rest for good.

“My eyes welled with tears. I reached up and cupped his face in my hands. His beard was rough against my palms. ‘Lucian, honey. It was never your job to protect your mom. It was never your job to keep the world safe from your dad.’”

Sloane’s reassurances in this passage challenge Lucian’s existing understanding of the Complex Family Legacies that have haunted him. Her statements to Lucian imply that there must be limits on the responsibilities that children inherit from their parents, and her compassionate statement is meant to emphasize the fact that Lucian has been carrying psychological burdens that were never his to bear.

“I’m so sorry you’ve spent your life believing that you’re tainted. That you don’t deserve happiness. That breaks my heart, Lucian, because you’re the most stupidly generous person I’ve ever met. You see a need to be filled, and you quietly go about filling it. You don’t require an audience or accolades. You’ve spent your life righting wrongs at the highest level. And that’s heroic. You’re heroic.”

With Sloane’s help, Lucian confronts his struggle with Rebuilding a Sense of Self-Worth and accepting the fact that he deserves to be loved. By seeing himself through her eyes, he finally finds the strength to release his negative beliefs about being his father’s son, and in this moment, he truly understands that he is worthy of the love she freely offers him.

“You did nothing wrong, Lucian. That was all on him. He was a broken man who tried to break you, but he failed. On his best day, he would never be able to hold a candle to you. I’m so proud of the boy you were, the man you became. You took back your family name, and made it mean something good. You don’t have him in you. I see more of my father than yours in you.”

Lucian’s false belief is that his father broke him, and that broken men break other people in turn. Sloane’s assurances that Lucian is a better man than his father—and that he resembles Simon more than he has ever resembled Ansel—mean more to him than anything else she could say. Being compared to Simon Walton allows Lucian to accept Sloane’s family as his own and appreciate the ways in which he lives up to Simon’s legacy rather than his own father’s.

“The gun was right there. I could pick it up and put an end to him, to all the pain he’d caused over the course of his lifetime. But I was better than that. I was better than men like Ogden and my father. I had Sloane to prove it. I had a lifetime with her ahead of me, and nothing was going to endanger that.”

Lucian’s acceptance of his own legacy, separate from that of his father, is further reinforced when he is given the choice to take revenge on Wylie by killing him, or to seek justice by handing him over to the police. Lucian rises above his father and Wylie by choosing the noble path, one that is free of injustice and violence.