To All the Boys I've Loved Before

“But the reason we are the Song girls and not the Covey girls is my mom used to say that she was a Song girl for life, and Margot said then we should be too. We all have Song for our middle name, and we look more like Song than Covey anyway, more Korean than white.”

This novel is not focused on the biracial, multicultural identity of the main character, but it is emphasized in the context of conversations about their mother. The girls will always get to keep something from their mother: their heritage. They look more Korean than white, which connects them to their mother, even if their mother isn’t there to help them understand their culture. Their racial identity is important to their sisterhood.

“Margot is a good girl, and I guess Kitty and I have followed her lead. I’ve never cheated or gotten drunk or smoked a cigarette or even had a boyfriend. We tease Daddy and say how lucky he is that we’re all so good, but the truth is, we’re the lucky ones. He’s a really good dad. And he tries hard. He doesn’t always understand us, but he tries, and that’s the important thing.”

The significance of this quote is the characterization of their father, who Lara Jean and her sisters adore. It’s easy to see things only from Lara Jean’s point of view, but their father also lost his wife the day the Song girls lost their mother. The girls put a lot of pressure on themselves and one another to make their father’s life easier, but it turns out that that pressure is not always productive.

“Margot doesn’t see the point in wondering. This is our life; there’s no use in asking what if. No one could ever give you the answers. I try, I really do, but it’s hard for me to accept this way of thinking. I’m always wondering about the what-ifs, about the road not taken.”

There are many differences between the sisters, but this one perfectly captures one of the biggest comparisons Lara Jean will make between herself and Margot. She admires Margot’s determination, grit, and decisiveness, whereas Lara Jean sees herself as weaker, more head-in-the-clouds, and not able to commit to getting what she wants.

“Maybe the only thing I’m better at than Margot is lying.”

This quote is succinct but important, because it foreshadows the rest of the book early on in Chapter 3. Lara Jean characterizes herself as a good liar before the reader gets to know her better, but it’s an apt description of herself given how quickly she can come up with a lie when in a conflict.

“But the important thing, the real thing, is Chris and I understand each other, which I think counts for a lot more than people realize.”

Chris is a sideline friend to Lara Jean, but an important one, nonetheless. She is one of Lara Jean’s only friends and is there for her through all of the phases of her teenage life. Chris is a juxtaposition to Lara Jean, yet it is precisely this juxtaposition that allows Lara Jean to learn from her. This quote also highlights how emotionally empathetic Lara Jean is; she doesn’t need a picture-perfect friendship to appreciate the people who truly see her.

“I do this to feign confidence, because the more I fake it, the more it’s supposed to feel true.”

Feigning confidence in order to work her way into authentic confidence is an apt metaphor of how Lara Jean deals with difficult situations. This problem-solving technique is also an extension of her ability to lie: Often, Lara Jean tries to lie to herself, and sometimes, she believes herself.

“My mom always said optimism was my best trait. Both Chris and Margot have said it’s annoying, but to that I say looking on the bright side of life never killed anybody.”

This characterization of Lara Jean is one of the only times she identifies a positive quality about herself. Although she is hard on herself for always thinking about the what-ifs, that quality is tied to this quality that she likes about herself. Because Lara Jean is able to fantasize about the many ways her life can turn out, she has a bottomless well of optimistic outcomes.

“I should probably wait for Margot to come home before I make such a momentous decision.”

The context of this quote is that Lara Jean is interested in manifesting positive change in her now-stressful life. She considers painting her room, but she quickly shoots down her own desires, believing that Margot should advise her on the matter first. Lara Jean’s room is her own space, leaving the reader to question why Margot would be able to tell something about her space that Lara Jean can’t. A person’s aesthetic is one of the ultimate expressions of their identity, but this quote perfectly captures how much Lara Jean relies on Margot’s interpretations for her own identity.

“That’s the thing: Daddy tries. He doesn’t say so, but I know it’s because he doesn’t want us to lose our connection to our Korean side, and food is the only way he knows how to contribute.”

This quote serves two important purposes. First, it emphasizes how much their father tries to fill the void of Lara Jean’s mother. Secondly, this quote highlights food as a symbol in the novel. The Korean dinners Dr. Covey tries to make are not just food, they are a metaphor for the connection to their heritage and ethnicity they would have had if their mother was still here. Food is a metaphor for love and family connection.

“I never knew it before, but I think maybe all this time I’ve been invisible. Just someone who was there.”

When Lara Jean starts dating Peter Kavinsky, she goes from the nice quiet girl to one of the most noticed girls in school. What is notable about this quote is that actually, Lara Jean had been thinking the same about herself. She doesn’t have a lot of friends, and when she starts hanging out with Kavinsky, she starts a whole new exciting social life. To be seen is her ultimate desire, but Lara Jean will learn that social attention is a double-edged sword and that what she really wants is to be seen for who she truly is.

“It’s hard not to get caught up in her spell. She’s the kind of person you want to like you. You know she can be cruel; you’ve seen her be cruel. But when her eyes are on you, and she’s paying attention to you, you want it to last. Her beauty is part of it, but there’s something more—something that draws you in. I think it’s her transparency—everything she thinks or feels is written all over her face, and even if it wasn’t, she’d say it anyway, because she says what she thinks, without thinking first.”

This is Lara Jean’s description of Genevieve and her interpretation of the affect Genevieve has on others. It’s a strikingly specific characterization, and a generous one too, given how hurtful Genevieve is. Lara Jean’s description of Genevieve is actually a description of Lara Jean in juxtaposition. Genevieve says what she thinks while Lara Jean considers her words carefully. Genevieve expresses her feelings while Lara Jean keeps hers secret. This is the girl that Lara Jean is in a competition with, even if she doesn’t want to be. This quote characterizes Genevieve as a classic Young Adult trope: The beautiful popular girl who gets away with being mean because people are helplessly drawn to her.

“Margot would say that she belongs to herself. Kitty would say she belongs to no one. And I guess I would say I belong to my sisters and my dad, but that won’t always be true. To belong to someone—I didn’t know it, but now that I think about it, it seems like that’s all I’ve ever wanted. To be somebody’s, and to have them be mine.”

This is a major moment of self-reflection for Lara Jean. So much of her shyness and her introspectiveness is because she wants, yet fears, real human connection. By seeing what Margot and Josh had, as well as what Peter and Genevieve had, Lara Jean realizes that partnership is what she’s been missing all along. Lara Jean is very lonely, and she suddenly realizes how good it would feel to belong somewhere.

“Josh, you break my heart. And you’re a liar. Because you know me, you know me better than almost anybody, and you don’t love me.”

This quote demonstrates how deeply Lara Jean is still hurt by the situation with Josh. She internalizes his rejection as something fundamentally wrong with her. This is yet another example of Lara Jean being hard on herself; Josh’s embrace of Margot doesn’t have to mean something is wrong with Lara Jean. Lara Jean is vulnerable and at this point feels very used by the boys around her. She can’t figure out why she gives so much and receives so little love in return.

“I want to keep it so when this is over, I can have something to look at and remember what it was like to be Peter Kavinsky’s girlfriend. Even if it was all just pretend.”

Even though she’s not supposed to like him as a boyfriend or really think of him as a boyfriend, she enjoys Peter’s company, his notes, and the attention. In this quote, Lara Jean is thinking ahead to the future when they breakup, but her desire to keep a note from him as a memento is symbolic of how much fun she’s actually having with him.

“Suddenly the easy Josh-and-Lara Jean feeling is lost. Josh is withdrawn and closed off, and I’m stinging from what he said about Peter, and it feels like playacting to sit across from each other and pretend it’s the same as the old days. How could it be, when Margot isn’t here? She is the point of our little triangle.”

Lara Jean is optimistic that she and Josh can form a new type of friendship after the breakup with Margot and the shock of the letter. Lara Jean begins to realize that this may be more unrealistic than she hopes, because now she’s living a different life than when it was her with Margot and Josh, or when she was in middle school with Josh. Lara Jean realizes that much of her relationship with Josh is informed by his relationship with Margot.

“How was I supposed to know what’s real and what’s not? It feels like I’m the only one who doesn’t know the difference.”

This quote captures a crucial twist in Lara Jean’s character development. Despite her best intentions, she realizes that she has started developing feelings for Peter within their fake relationship. Lara Jean’s lying has finally caught up with her; she believes her own lies so much that she lost the ability to control her feelings. Lara Jean yet again feels lonely in her confusion.

“Ever since I got that letter, things have been messed up between us. It’s not fair. You got to say everything you wanted to say, and I’m the one who has to rearrange the way I think about you; I have to make sense of it in my head. You totally blindsided me, and then you just shut me out. You start dating Kavinsky, you stop being my friend…Ever since I got your letter…I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.”

This is an important insight told from Josh’s point of view. Until this moment, Lara Jean has not considered what her letter and subsequent breakdown of her friendship with Josh could mean to Josh. She’s been worried about herself and Margot but has forgotten that Josh also has a history with Lara Jean. This is an important realization for Lara Jean’s maturation: She must learn the ripple effect of her actions. This is a concrete consequence of Lara Jean’s inability to confront her problems.

“I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I want to be brave. I want…life to start happening. I want to fall in love and I want a boy to fall in love with me back.”

After shooting down Peter in the ski lodge, Lara Jean is shocked at herself. She does really like Peter, so why can’t she be open to the idea that he likes her too? Here, she decides to grab her life by the reins and take some control. She admits to herself that she does want genuine love and adventure, so this is the moment she decides to really go after Peter Kavinsky.

“My big sister knows how to hurt me best. Silence from her, being shut out by her, is the worst punishment she could conjure up.”

This quote demonstrates Lara Jean at her lowest. Everything she has wanted to preserve, everything she holds dear, has come tumbling down around her. Despite their obvious recent tension, Lara Jean loves Margot and is devastated that Margot has learned the secret of Lara Jean and Josh from overhearing a conversation. This quote also highlights the urgency of Lara Jean’s growth: She must find a way to truly confront her problems in order to fix things with Margot.

“After Mommy died, we all had to realign ourselves. Everybody had new roles, Margot and I were no longer locked in battle, because we both understood that Kitty was ours to take care of now.”

This quote adds an interesting new layer to Lara Jean’s relationship with Margot. It makes sense that Margot and Lara Jean fought often as children, because their personalities truly are very different. This quote gives a haunted feeling to the fight Margot and Lara Jean find themselves in, because it harkens back to a time when they were able to take their family for granted. This quote also illuminates an important reality of the family structure: Everybody plays a role within their family that may not necessarily reflect who they really are or who they are with others outside of the family. These roles can change, and people adapt in order to keep their families together.

“Kitty jumps up and goes upstairs, and I think she’s going to her room to cry in private. I know what I should do. I should go comfort her, forgive her for real. It’s my turn to be the good example. To be the good big sister.”

When Kitty admits the truth about sending out Lara Jean’s private love letters, Lara Jean sees an opportunity to keep her anger in control and to set a good example for her little sister. She doesn’t want more conflict, so she shows genuine compassion for her sister and thus rewards her for telling the truth. Now, Kitty can learn that when you tell the truth, even if it’s really hard, people will appreciate you and are better able to forgive your mistake.

“I’ve never gotten a love letter before. But reading these notes like this, one after the other, it feels like I have.”

Lara Jean has poured her heart and soul into letter writing and rediscovering these notes from Peter creates a satisfying parallel between how Lara Jean expresses love and how Peter expresses love. Lara Jean has been lonely for so long, but in Peter she has a kindred spirit, someone who handled her original love letter well and committed his own feelings to words too. It is fitting that Lara Jean understands and believes Peter’s real feelings for her through writing.

“I think I see the difference now, between loving someone from afar and loving someone up close. When you see them up close, you see the real them, but they also get to see the real you.”

Earlier in the book, Lara Jean admits to Peter that her hesitancy about relationships is that to see someone real and up close can be scary because it carries with it pressure and expectations. Buy the end of the novel, Lara Jean has come to understand that this fear is actually a cause for excitement. Han parallels the language of this quote to complete Lara Jean’s full-circle character development.